Vedtaget og offentliggjort på den nittende islamiske konference for udenrigsministre, Cairo 5. august 1990
Medlemsstaterne af Den Islamiske Konferenceorganisation (OIC),
bekræfter den muslimske nations (Ummaen´s) civiliserende og historiske rolle, som Allah gjorde til den bedste nation, som har givet menneskeheden en universel og velafbalanceret civilisation i hvilken der er harmoni mellem dette liv og efterlivet og hvor viden er kombineret med åndelig tro; og den rolle som Ummaen bør spille for at lede menneskeheden, som er forvirret af konkurrerende retninger og ideologier og med at bringe løsninger på de vedvarende problemer for denne materialistiske civilisation.
ønsker at bidrage til menneskehedens stræben efter at sikre menneskerettigheder, at beskytte mennesket mod udnyttelse og forfølgelse, og at bekræfte menneskets frihed og ret til et værdigt liv i overensstemmelse med Islamisk Shari´ah.
er overbevist om at menneskeheden, som har nået et avanceret stade indenfor materialistisk viden, stadig er og vil vedblive at være, tvingende afhængig af Troen til at understøtte sin civilisation og af en selvmotiverende kraft til at værne om dens rettigheder;
tror at fundamentale rettigheder og universelle friheder i Islam er en integreret del af den islamiske religion og at ingen principielt har ret til at ophæve dem, helt eller delvist, eller forbryde sig imod dem eller ignorere dem, i og med de er forpligtende, guddommelige bud, indeholdt i Allahs åbenbarede skrifter og sendt via Profeternes Segl for at fuldende de forudgående guddommelige budskaber, for derved at gøre overholdelse af dem til en religiøs handling, og forsømmelse eller forbrydelse imod dem til en afskyelig synd. Følgelig er enhver person individuelt ansvarlig og Ummaen kollektivt ansvarlig for at beskytte dem.
Som resultat af ovennævnte principper erklæres følgende:
Artikel 1 (a) Alle mennesker nedstammer fra Adam og danner én familie hvis medlemmer er forenet i underkastelse for Allah. Alle er lige hvad angår grundlæggende menneskelig værdighed og grundlæggende pligter og ansvar, uden forskelsbehandling på grund af race, farve, sprog, køn, religiøs overbevisning, politisk tilknytning, social status eller andre faktorer. Ægte tro er garanti for at højne denne værdighed, ad vejen til menneskelig fuldkommenhed.
(b) Alle mennesker er Allahs skabninger, og dem han elsker højest er dem der gør mest nytte for de øvrige af Hans skabninger, og ingen står over en anden undtagen på baggrund af fromhed og gode gerninger.
Artikel 2 (a) Livet er en gave fra Allah og retten til livet er garanteret ethvert menneske. Individer, samfund og stater er forpligtede til at beskytte denne ret imod enhver krænkelse, og det er forbudt at tage noget liv uden en årsag foreskrevet i Sharia´h.
(b) Det er forbudt at ty til handlinger, der kan resultere i folkemordsagtig udslettelse af menneskeheden.
(c) Bevarelse af menneskeligt liv i den tid der er afsat af Allah, er en pligt foreskrevet i Sharia´h.
(d) Beskyttelse imod mishandling er en garanteret rettighed. Det er statens pligt at vogte den, og det er forbudt at bryde den uden en årsag foreskrevet i Shari´ah.
Artikel 3 (a) I tilfælde af brug af magt og i tilfælde af væbnet konflikt er det ikke tilladt at dræbe ikke-krigsførende så som gamle mænd, kvinder og børn. De sårede og de syge skal have ret til medicinsk behandling; krigsfanger skal have ret til føde, klær og ly. Det er forbudt at skænde lig. Der er pligt til at udveksle krigsfanger og arrangere besøg og genforening af familier som er blevet splittet af krigens omstændigheder.
(b) Det er forbudt at fælde træer, at skade afgrøder og husdyr, og at ødelægge fjendens civile bygninger og installationer ved bombning, sprængning eller nogen anden måde.
Artikel 4 Ethvert menneske har krav på ukrænkelighed og beskyttelse af sit gode navn og rygte, gennem hele livet og efter døden. Staten og samfundet skal beskytte hans jordiske levninger og gravsted.
Artikel 5 (a) Familien er samfundets grundlag, og grundlaget hviler på ægteskabet. Mænd og kvinder har retten til at gifte sig, og ingen restriktioner på baggrund af race, farve eller nationalitet skal forhindre dem i at nyde denne ret.
(b) Samfundet og staten skal fjerne alle hindringer for ægteskab og skal muliggøre vielser. De skal sikre familien beskyttelse og omsorg.
Artikel 6 (a) Kvinden er lige med manden med hensyn til menneskelig værdighed og har rettigheder at nyde så vel som pligter at udføre; hun har sin egne civile selvstændighed og financielle uafhængighed, og retten til at beholde sit navn og linje.
(b) Manden er ansvarlig for forsørgelse og omsorg for familien.
Artikel 7 (a) Fra fødslen har ethvert barn rettigheder, der stammer fra forældre, samfund og staten, til at modtage passende barnepleje, uddannelse, materiel, hygiejnisk og moralsk omsorg. Både fosteret og moderen skal beskyttes og tilbydes særlig omsorg.
(b) Forældre og andre i lignende position har retten til at vælge den form for uddannelse de ønsker for deres børn, forudsat at de tager børnenes interesse og fremtid i betragtning sammen med etiske værdier og principperne i Shari´ah.
(c) Begge forældre har krav på bestemte rettigheder i forhold til deres børn, og familiemedlemmer har rettigheder i forhold til deres slægtninge, i overensstemmelse med læresætningerne i Shari´ah.
Artikel 8 Ethvert menneske har retten til at udnytte sin retsstilling både med hensyn til forpligtelser og tilsagn. Hvis denne evne mistes eller blive forringet skal han repræsenteres af en værge.
Artikel 9 (a) Stræben efter viden er en forpligtelse, og tilbud om undervisning er samfundets og statens pligt. Staten skal sikre tilgængeligheden af metoder og redskaber til at tilegne sig undervisning og skal garantere uddannelsesmæssig alsidighed i samfundets interesse, for på den måde at sætte mennesket i stand til gøre sig fortrolig med religionen Islam og universets kendsgerninger, til gavn for menneskeheden.
(b) Ethvert menneske har ret til at modtage både religiøs og verdslig undervisning fra de forskellige institutioner for undervisning og vejledning, herunder familien, skole, universitet, medier og så videre, på en integreret og afbalanceret måde med henblik på at udvikle hans personlighed, styrke hans tro på Allah og fremme hans respekt for og forsvar for både rettigheder og pligter.
Artikel 10 Islam er religion i sin ægte form. Det er forbudt at lægge pres på noget menneske eller at udnytte hans fattigdom eller manglende evner for at omvende ham til en anden religion eller til ateisme.
Artikel 11 (a) Mennesker fødes frie, og ingen har ret til at slavebinde, nedværdige, undertrykke eller udnytte dem, og den eneste form for underkastelse skal være overfor Allah den Højeste.
(b) Kolonialisme, som i alle former er den værste form for slavebinding, er totalt forbudt. Folk som lider under kolonialisme har den fulde ret til frihed og selvbestemmelse. Det er alle staters og folks pligt at støtte koloniserede folks kamp for afvikling af alle former for kolonisering og besættelse, og alle stater og folk har retten til at bevare deres uafhængige status og udøve kontrol over deres værdier og ressourcer.
Artikel 12 Enhver har retten til, inden for Shari´ahs rammer, fri bevægelse og at vælge sit bosted uanset om det er i eller udenfor hans land, og hvis han bliver forfulgt har han ret til at søge asyl i et andet land. Landet han flygter til skal sikre ham beskyttelse indtil han når i sikkerhed, med mindre flugten er motiveret af en handling som er en forbrydelse i henhold til Shari´ah.
Artikel 13 Enhver arbejdsfør person har ret til arbejde, hvilket stat og samfund står som garant for. Enhver skal frit kunne vælge det arbejde der passer ham bedst og som tjener hans og samfundets interesser. Den ansatte skal have ret til sikkerhed og tryghed såvel som alle andre sociale garantier. Han må hverken sættes til arbejde der overstiger hans evner eller udsættes for tvang eller udnyttes eller skades på nogen måde. Han har krav på – uden forskelsbehandlin mellem mænd og kvinder – en retfærdig løn uden forsinkelse, såvel som helligdage, tillæg og forfremmelser som han fortjener. Fra den ansattes side forventes det at han er pligtopfyldende og samvittighedsfuld. Hvis den ansatte og arbejdsgiveren er uenige om noget skal staten træde ind og bilægge striden, afgøre klagemålet, bekræfte rettigheder og håndhæve retfærdigheden uden favorisering.
Artikel 14 Enhver har ret til lovlige fortjenester uden beslaglæggelse, bedrag eller skade mod en selv eller andre. Renter (usuri, riba) er totalt forbudt.
Artikel 15 (a) Alle skal have ret til at eje lovligt erhvervet ejendom, og skal have ejendomsretten uden skade for en selv, andre eller samfundet i almindelighed. Ekspropriering er ikke tilladt med undtagelse af behov i samfundets interesse og mod øjeblikkelig og retfærdig erstatning.
(b) Konfiskation og beslaglæggelse af ejendom er forbudt medmindre det er nødvendiggjort ved lov.
Artikel 16 Enhver skal have retten til at nyde frugterne af sine videnskabelige, litterære, kunstneriske eller tekniske frembringelser og retten til at beskytte de moralske og materielle interesser der udspringer herfra, forudsat at sådanne frembringelser ikke er i modstrid med principperne i Shari´ah.
Artikel 17 (a) Alle skal have retten til at leve i et rent miljø, frit for laster og moralsk forfald, et miljø der vil nære hans personudvikling; og det er magtpåliggende for stat og samfund i almindelighed at muliggøre den ret.
(b) Enhver skal have ret til medicinsk behandling og social omsorg og til alle de offentlige tilbud der stilles til rådighed af samfundet og staten indenfor deres ressourcemæssige begrænsning.
(c) Staten skal sikre den enkelte retten til et anstændigt liv, som gør det muligt for ham at dække behovene for sig og sine slægtninge, herunder mad, tøj, bolig, undervisning, medicinsk behandling og alle andre grundlæggende behov.
Artikel 18 (a) Enhver skal have retten til sikkerhed for sin person, sin religion, sine slægtninge, sin ære og sin ejendom.
(b) Enhver skal have ret til uforstyrrethed i udøvelsen af sine personlige sager, i sit hjem, blandt hans familie, med hensyn til hans ejendom og hans forbindelser. Det er ikke tilladt at udspionere ham, at overvåge ham eller at besudle hans gode navn. Staten skal beskytte ham imod tilfældig indblanden.
(c) En privat bolig er ukrænkelig i alle tilfælde. Adgang må ikke ske uden tilladelse fra dets beboere eller på anden ulovlig måde, ej heller må den ødelægges eller konfiskeres og dens beboere sættes på gaden.
Artikel 19 (a) Alle er lige for loven, uden skelen til om det er hersker eller undersåt.
(b) Retten til at søge retfærdighed er garanteret enhver.
(c) Ansvar er grundlæggende personligt.
(d) Kun forbrydelser og straffe foreskrevet i Shari´ah skal gælde.
(e) En anklaget er uskyldig indtil hans skyld er bevist ved en retfærdig rettergang, hvor han skal have garanti for forsvar.
Artikel 20 Det er ikke tilladt at arrestere en person, eller begrænse hans frihed, at landsforvise eller at straffe ham uden lovlig grund. Det er ikke tilladt at udsætte ham for fysisk eller psykisk tortur eller enhver anden form for ydmygelse, ondskab eller overgreb. Det er heller ikke tilladt at udsætte en person for medicinske eller videnskabelige eksperimenter uden hans samtykke, eller hvis det medfører risiko for hans liv eller helbred. Det er heller ikke tilladt at udstede nødlove, der giver myndighed til at udføre sådanne handlinger.
Artikel 21 Det er udtrykkeligt forbudt at tage gidsler, uanset hvordan og med hvilket formål.
Artikel 22 (a) Enhver skal frit kunne udtrykke sin mening når det sker på en måde som ikke er i modstrid med principperne i Shari´ah.
(b) Enhver skal have ret til at tale for hvad der er rigtigt, udbrede hvad der er godt og advare imod hvad der er forkert og ondt ifølge normerne i den islamiske Sharia.
(c) Information er en vital nødvendighed for samfundet. Den må ikke udnyttes eller misbruges på en sådan måde så den krænker helligheder og profeters værdighed, underminerer moral og etiske værdier eller ødelægger, miskrediterer eller skader samfundet eller svækker dets tro.
(d) Det er ikke tilladt at opildne til nationalistisk eller ideologisk had eller at gøre noget som kan være en tilskyndelse til nogen form for racediskrimination.
Artikel 23 (a) Autoritet er en tillidssag; og misbrug eller ondsindet udnyttelse heraf er fuldkommen forbudt, så grundlæggende menneskerettigheder kan garanteres.
(b) Enhver skal have retten til at deltage, direkte eller indirekte i udførelsen af sit lands offentlige anliggender. Han skal også have ret til at indtage offentligt hverv i overensstemmelse med forskrifterne i Shari´ah.
Artikel 24 Alle rettigheder og friheder bestemt i denne deklaration er underlagt den islamiske Shari´ah.
Artikel 25 Den islamiske Shari´ah er den eneste kilde som reference til at forklare eller uddybe enhver af artiklerne i denne deklaration.
Cairo, 5. august 1990
(oversat fra engelsk, d. 9. april 2006 af Finn Boserup)
lørdag, maj 27, 2006
Rowan Atkinson, Heaven and Hell
Er det iorden at lave grin med tyskere og franskmænd? Naturligvis!
Må man gøre nar ad kristne, jøder og ateister? Ja, i det omfang de er naragtige!
Vitser om advokater og horebukke? OK! Så længe de er morsomme!
Men hvad med "de unævnelige"? Dem man ikke må kritisere, såre eller på anden behandle uskånsomt, fordi de bærer deres "religiøse følelser" udenpå tøjet?
Hele Verdens "Underdog" som vi skal have så forfærdeligt ondt af, uanset i hvilken sammenhæng det givetvis er "de andres skyld", jødernes, amerikanernes eller karrikaturtegnernes. De forfulgte uskyldigheder: med andre ord, (gæt selv) muslimerne.
Nyd Rowan Atkinson som Belzebub:
Welcome to Hell...
Nyd Rowan Atkinson som Anglikansk præst:
On the Third Day...
Hvilken straf vil Rowan Atkinson stå til, den dag religiøse fundamentalister (læs: muslimer) får kriminaliseret det "at såre religiøse følelser"?
Rowan Atkinson:
"To criticise a person for their race is manifestly irrational and ridiculous but to criticise their religion, that is a right. That is a freedom."
"The freedom to criticise ideas, any ideas - even if they are sincerely held beliefs - is one of the fundamental freedoms of society."
"A law which attempts to say you can criticise and ridicule ideas as long as they are not religious ideas is a very peculiar law indeed."
Må man gøre nar ad kristne, jøder og ateister? Ja, i det omfang de er naragtige!
Vitser om advokater og horebukke? OK! Så længe de er morsomme!
Men hvad med "de unævnelige"? Dem man ikke må kritisere, såre eller på anden behandle uskånsomt, fordi de bærer deres "religiøse følelser" udenpå tøjet?
Hele Verdens "Underdog" som vi skal have så forfærdeligt ondt af, uanset i hvilken sammenhæng det givetvis er "de andres skyld", jødernes, amerikanernes eller karrikaturtegnernes. De forfulgte uskyldigheder: med andre ord, (gæt selv) muslimerne.
Nyd Rowan Atkinson som Belzebub:
Welcome to Hell...
Nyd Rowan Atkinson som Anglikansk præst:
On the Third Day...
Hvilken straf vil Rowan Atkinson stå til, den dag religiøse fundamentalister (læs: muslimer) får kriminaliseret det "at såre religiøse følelser"?
Rowan Atkinson:
"To criticise a person for their race is manifestly irrational and ridiculous but to criticise their religion, that is a right. That is a freedom."
"The freedom to criticise ideas, any ideas - even if they are sincerely held beliefs - is one of the fundamental freedoms of society."
"A law which attempts to say you can criticise and ridicule ideas as long as they are not religious ideas is a very peculiar law indeed."
onsdag, maj 24, 2006
Alvorlige Piet Hein gruk
Den, som kun tar spøg for spøg
og alvor kun alvorligt,
han og hun har faktisk fattet
begge dele dårligt.
Life is much too important to be taken seriously.
Der skal helst være dumheder i en bog,
for at også de dumme skal synes, den er klog.
Piet Hein (1905-1996) var dansk opfinder og designer.
og alvor kun alvorligt,
han og hun har faktisk fattet
begge dele dårligt.
Life is much too important to be taken seriously.
Der skal helst være dumheder i en bog,
for at også de dumme skal synes, den er klog.
Piet Hein (1905-1996) var dansk opfinder og designer.
South Park, Cartoon Wars, part I, transcript
Muhammed episode, part I
Suggestion: open it in separate window to follow dialogue.
Duration: 20 min. Excellent humor. Astonishing symbolism.
"It is obvious that you all need Muslim Sensitivity Training!"
All characters and events in this show – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated… poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
Intro
Stanleys Mom: But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn´t afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe for ever, and ever…
Good night my little angel.
Stanleys Dad: Argh! Get up. Get your shoes on. Gonna get out of here. Move!
Take this. We are going to bring all the water we can. Shelly – go get my gun!
Shelly: Which gun, Dad?
Dad: Just get the gun! Come on.
Stanley: Kyle, what the hell is going on this time?
Kyle: I have no idea.
Dad: Take cover in the community centre again.
Man: All right. Get in. We are going to get a seal on that door.
Mom: Oh my God, Steven. We left Feathers.
Dad: We cant go out there, Linda. It´s too late for him.
Stanley: Dad. What the hell is going on?
Dad: A cartoon. A cartoon is about to air on American television, with the Muslim prophet Mohammed as a character.
Stanley: So???
Dad: So!!! Stanley, Mohammed is sacred to the Muslim people. Ever since those cartoons in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammed anymore.
Kyles Dad: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon would be so insensitive to have Mohammed in it as a character?
Stanleys Dad: Who do you think? The cartoon that is always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor: Family Guy.
Crowd: awhhhh!
Man with hat: How could Family Guy do that?
Kyles Mom: Why do Family Guy insult Muslims?
Dad: Because Family Guy don´t care who they insult. They only care about their prescious money.
Stanley: O.K. Com on people. You don´t think anybody is really gonna be that pissed off by a cartoon!
Man: We got the TV working.
NEWS 4: Again: a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammed is set to air tonight on Family Guy.
Mom: Oh Randy, hold me!
NEWS 4: The news have already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world.
All over the Middle East Muslims are burning American flags – and Family Guy posters.
Muslim terrorist Al-Zavahri made this statement:
Al-Zavahri: “We are so pissed off at Family Guy. Family Guy isn´t even that funny of a show. A jihad on Family Guy and the Family Guy nation!
Lady: So what happens now?
Stanleys Dad: We stay here through the night. Wait it out to see if they do anything. If we are still alive in the morning – then we´ll know that we are not dead!
The Next morning.
Teacher: It´s OK. We are alive!
Stanleys Dad: We are alive!
Man with hat: Everyone listen: FOX network censored the image of Mohammed in the last minute.
Crowd: ahhhh
Stanleys Dad: Well, it looks like we dodged the bullet.
Stanley: They censored the image of Mohammed, How?
Kyle: I keep every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did.
OK guys. Check it out.
Cartman: You tape every episode of Family Guy?
Kyle: It´s a good show!
Stanley: Lots of people like Family Guy.
Family Guy show:
Mom: Peter, I can’t believe it! You invited your old high school sweetheart over for dinner!
Family Guy: You think that is bad! Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhofs car? Hey there Knight Rider.
Knight Rider: After those bad guys, kid!
Son: Yeah, but dad. Why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner?
Baby: Perhaps because he wants to make our mother nervous.
Dad: Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancaces to the school soccer Captain.
Dad: Pancaces for you, Captain.
Captain: I´ll be the Captain and you´ll be Tennille.
“Love will keep us together…”
Kyle: ha ha ha
Cartman: yack
Mom: But Peter. I don´t want to cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend!
Dad: Well, maybe we can just have tea.
Dog: You men like the time you had tea with Mohammed, the prophet of the Muslim faith?
Dad: Come on, Mohammed. Let us get some tea. (Mohammed censored)
Herbal salesman: Try my Mister T tea.
Dad: Oh Boy, was that ever weird, Anyway, I can´t believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner.
Kyle: That´s it? That´s all they did?
Cartman: Hey man. That’s not cool. Seriously, that´s not cool.
Stanley: What´s the big deal?
Cartman: What´s the big deal! You guys think it´s OK to make fun of a religion or a entire group of people. Would you guys think that is OK? Don´t you care about other peoples feelings?
Kyle: Since when did you care about being sensitive to other people´s religion, Cartman?
Stanley: Yeah, you make fun of peoples religion all the time!
Cartman: That is different. I´m just a little boy. That is a cartoon! Millions of people watch it. How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television making fun of Jews all the time? Huh?
Kyle: eh..
Cartman: I´m telling you guys: it´s wrong, it´s wrong, it´s WRONG!
Kyles Mom: Kyle! What are you watching? It´s Family Guy! Do something!
Kyles Dad: (smashing TV-set) It´s OK. It´s dead.
Kyles Mom: You boys know you are not supposed to watch that careless show!
Kyle: Mom, it was nothing. Mohammed just stood there and drank some tea.
Mom: You boys don’t understand anything. It is obvious that you all need Muslim Sensitivity Training!
Muslim Sensitivity Training
Teacher: Welcome to Muslim Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslims feel like they do. And why we can never show an image of Mohammed.
Kyle: No, Muslims can´t show an image of Mohammed.
Teacher: Kyle, you are not being very sensitive.
Cartman: Yeah Kyle. Maybe you think it is funny, but the rest of us don´t.
Teacher: Let´s all look at why the Muslims are so upset.
First of all, in the Muslim religion you are not allowed to have what?
Sex! Good.
There is no sex until marriage in the Muslim world.
Now this would be fine, except that in the Muslim religion you also can´t? Anybody?
You can´t jerk off.
Jacking is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion.
What do we know of the places Muslims live? They live in?
Good: sand.
Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim: it´s Friday night but you can´t have sex, and you can´t jerk off. There is sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and here some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I´ll be pretty pissed off too.
Cartman: Mr. Jerrison. That is ignorant and racist. Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can´t jack off. Right maybe?
Girl: yeah.
Emergency Announcement
Tannoy: Attention students. Proceed to the school gymnasium immidiately to receive an emergency announcement.
Stanley: What the hell is going on now?
Teacher: Quiet, students. Quiet!
SNN: Once again: we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammed was only part one of a two-parter. And part two is going to air next week – with Mohammed uncensored!
Cartman: what!
Teacher: Why would they…?
SNN: FOX studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammed caracter be seen in full view.
The head of FOX has this to say:
“Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist that we don´t censor their wording – we can´t...
Dad: Family Guy! I damn you to hell!
SNN: Once again federal riots have startet in the Middle East. This time even more massive. And terrorist leader Al-Zavahri has issued a threat:
Al-Zavahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn´t even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!
Teacher: Retaliation? Oh my God!
Cartman: God damn Family Guy. Not just they´re provoking people. It´s like they want a holy war.
Stanley: Does this mean that you are at school all week?
Cartman: Guys this is serious. We have to do something!
Kenny: whuwu?
Cartman: We have to go to FOX network in L.A. We have to go and try to get that episode pulled. Are you guys with me?
Stanley: We can´t go anywhere. They have shut down the airports and the busses.
Cartman: We will ride our big-wheels.
Stanley: To Los Angelos?
Cartman: If that is what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network. The Family Guy writers are not going to back down.
Kyle: Well good for them. They should not. The writers are standing up and say, they are not going to be intimidated.
Cartman: Intimidated? Is that what you think it is about, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell has got into you? I don´t trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real.
Cartman: Alright, fine, Kyle. Forget about the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die, just because Family Guy have to have their little joke, would you still thinkit is funny?
What if 100 people die? Would it be funny then, Kyle?
I´m going to Los Angelos. I´m gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak up, right.
The Nightmare
Kyles dad: Kyle, wake up. We have to go. The terrorists are attacking.
Kyle: Are you sure this time.
Kyles Dad: This isn´t a joke, Kyle. Bombs have already gone off in six cities.
Mom: Wait a minute. Where is Ike?
Mom and Dad: IKE? IKE?
Kyle: Ike? IKE?
Ike: Icecream. I´m so glad.
Kyle: Ike. Wait!
Nuclear explosion – Kyle wakes up.
Going to L.A.
Cartman: You have come to try and stop me? It isn´t gonna work.
Kyle: I didn´t come to stop you. I, I think you are right Cartman. I want to help you with the Family Guy episode pull.
Cartman: Yeah, well. I don´t need a partner on this. Especially one who doesn´t trust me.
Kyle: Look Cartman. I don´t know what has gotten into you, but I think it is pretty amazing, and I think it is real. You have to understand why I didn´t believe you before.
Cartman: Ya, I do understand Kyle. I have been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just want to do something right, you know. Just this one time.
Kyle: It´s a long trip, dude. You are going to need help. WE can try and get the episode pulled – together.
Cartman: You know we might not even make it into the studio.
Kyle: I know. But just like you I feel I have to try. People can really be hurt. And a joke just isn´t wort that.
Cartman: So what made you change your mind?
Kyle: I got some sound advice from an old friend.
Cartman: Well Kyle, we better get going!
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: I´m set
Kyle: I´m set. Let do it.
Cartman: Then roll.
The Sand Solution
Mayor: People, quiet please. We must not panic.
Stanleys Dad: What are we going to do Mayor? Part two of the Family Guy episode airs in 6 days.
Mayor: I belive that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution.
Professor Thomas: Thank you, Mayor. Now look everyone. Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do, because they wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know, that we had no part in the Muhammed episode. That even though the episode air, we didn´t watch it, we didn´t hear it and we didn´t talk about it.
Man with hat: So how do we do that?
Professor Thomas: We bury our heads in sand.
We take 20-25 dumptrucks, fill them with sand from Auderclade and we dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately 18 dozens of shovels we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every persons head buried deep, deep in the sand before the Muhammed episode airs, we can avoid looking like we are responsible for any part of this at all.
Man in audience: Now wait, that is rediculous. What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here. Don´t you all see that of anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammed. And show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want.
Look people, it´s been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we have not had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come. One of those times is right now. And if we aren´t willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don´t defend it.
Stanleys Dad I like the sand idea.
Teacher: Yeah, me too.
Kyles Dad: Yeah, the sand thing is a lot simpler.
Mayor: We are going to need 18 dozens of shovels and 60 tons of sand. Lets move people!
En route
Kyle: We got 6 days to make it to Los Angelos. If we keep our stops to a minimum we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.
Cartman: Yeah, and in a few weeks from now Family Guy will be off the air for ever.
Kyle: Off the air, but we are just going to try to get the Muhammed episode pulled.
Cartman: It is simple television economics, Kyle.
All it takes is to kill a show forever: you get one episode pulled. If we can convince the network pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, the the Catholics can demand a show they don´t like pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another episode pulled. And so on, and so on. Until Family Guy is no more. It´s exactly what happened to the Wernon Shirley.
Kyle: Now wait a minute! This isn´t what I signed up for. I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get them off the air forever?
Cartman: Be..because they make fun.. fun of Muslims. And.. and that is wrong.
Kyle: But that doesn´t mean they have to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
Cartman: Don´t you ever, EVER compare me to Family Guy, do you hear me Kyle.
Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me, I will kill you where you stand.
Kyle: You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air.
Cartman: Do you have any idea what it is like: everywhere I go “Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right? Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy, Cartman”
I am nothing like Family Guy. When I make jokes they inherit to a story. Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant, and have a point. Not just one random, interchangeable joke after another.
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Cartman: You don´t understand.
Kyle: I can´t believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop beliving in free speech.
Cartman: Crap, I guess you won´t be helping me now. No big deal. I don´t need you to get the episode pulled.
Kyle: No, I am not letting you go to that television studio and pretend to care about safety and sensitivity, because of a show you like off the air.
Cartman: Well, the Kyle …. Oh my god! Is that Tim McGuire?
Kyle: What?
Big Wheels chase
South Park Avenue
Professor Thomas: If you have children, be sure to bury their head in the sand before you bury your own.
Stanley: Dad, I don´t want to bury my head in the sand.
Dad: It´s the best way, Stanley. Did you eat your fruit roll up?
Stanley: Yeah.
Dad: Now, make sure your snorkel is working. Alright, get your head in the hole.
Stanley: [Dad, it is stupid.]
Dad: There is no time for immaturity. Do it!
Dad: Allright Sharon, now do me.
Man with hat: Oh, professor. We all just thought of something. If everyone has their heads buried by the person standing to their left, then who is going to bury the last persons head?
Professor Thomas: Yes, I afraid one person is going to have to be last and NOT have his head in the sand.
Don: I´ll do it.
Sarah: Don, No!
Professor Thomas: Do you realise, that not burying your head in sand you´ll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audiense?
Don: Yes, I know.
Sarah: Don, please. You can´t!
Don: Somebody has to do it, Sarah. You run along now and get your head in the sand. I´ll be alright. You have to understand, I´m all she has.
Teacher: Who are those people?
Big Whells chase (continued)
Cartman: Ha, ha. So long pal!
Kyle: You son of a bitch. I won´t let you win. You hear me?
Fox Network
George W. Bush: Are you the network president?
Fox President: Yes, Mr President.
George W. Bush: We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President.
Fox President: Mr. President. My hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don´t censor Muhammed.
George W. Bush: But Mr. President. This is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with.
Fox President: Mr. President, there is something about the Family Guy writing staff you should know.
Next week on South Park:
The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy studios and learn the shocking truth about the writing staff, as the entire nation buries its heads in the sand.
The idea has swept the nation, but where will we find enough sand for everyone? Will television executives fight for free speech or will Comedy Central puss out? The battle between good and evil has finally been waged."
SNN:
Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored?
Will Family Guy be destroyed?
Will television executives fight for free speech, or..?
Tune in to see Family Guy, part two.
Next week on South Park!
To be continued:
South Park, Cartoon Wars, Episode II
(Transcript by tourn@sol.dk)
Suggestion: open it in separate window to follow dialogue.
Duration: 20 min. Excellent humor. Astonishing symbolism.
"It is obvious that you all need Muslim Sensitivity Training!"
All characters and events in this show – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated… poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
Intro
Stanleys Mom: But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn´t afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe for ever, and ever…
Good night my little angel.
Stanleys Dad: Argh! Get up. Get your shoes on. Gonna get out of here. Move!
Take this. We are going to bring all the water we can. Shelly – go get my gun!
Shelly: Which gun, Dad?
Dad: Just get the gun! Come on.
Stanley: Kyle, what the hell is going on this time?
Kyle: I have no idea.
Dad: Take cover in the community centre again.
Man: All right. Get in. We are going to get a seal on that door.
Mom: Oh my God, Steven. We left Feathers.
Dad: We cant go out there, Linda. It´s too late for him.
Stanley: Dad. What the hell is going on?
Dad: A cartoon. A cartoon is about to air on American television, with the Muslim prophet Mohammed as a character.
Stanley: So???
Dad: So!!! Stanley, Mohammed is sacred to the Muslim people. Ever since those cartoons in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammed anymore.
Kyles Dad: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon would be so insensitive to have Mohammed in it as a character?
Stanleys Dad: Who do you think? The cartoon that is always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor: Family Guy.
Crowd: awhhhh!
Man with hat: How could Family Guy do that?
Kyles Mom: Why do Family Guy insult Muslims?
Dad: Because Family Guy don´t care who they insult. They only care about their prescious money.
Stanley: O.K. Com on people. You don´t think anybody is really gonna be that pissed off by a cartoon!
Man: We got the TV working.
NEWS 4: Again: a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammed is set to air tonight on Family Guy.
Mom: Oh Randy, hold me!
NEWS 4: The news have already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world.
All over the Middle East Muslims are burning American flags – and Family Guy posters.
Muslim terrorist Al-Zavahri made this statement:
Al-Zavahri: “We are so pissed off at Family Guy. Family Guy isn´t even that funny of a show. A jihad on Family Guy and the Family Guy nation!
Lady: So what happens now?
Stanleys Dad: We stay here through the night. Wait it out to see if they do anything. If we are still alive in the morning – then we´ll know that we are not dead!
The Next morning.
Teacher: It´s OK. We are alive!
Stanleys Dad: We are alive!
Man with hat: Everyone listen: FOX network censored the image of Mohammed in the last minute.
Crowd: ahhhh
Stanleys Dad: Well, it looks like we dodged the bullet.
Stanley: They censored the image of Mohammed, How?
Kyle: I keep every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did.
OK guys. Check it out.
Cartman: You tape every episode of Family Guy?
Kyle: It´s a good show!
Stanley: Lots of people like Family Guy.
Family Guy show:
Mom: Peter, I can’t believe it! You invited your old high school sweetheart over for dinner!
Family Guy: You think that is bad! Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhofs car? Hey there Knight Rider.
Knight Rider: After those bad guys, kid!
Son: Yeah, but dad. Why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner?
Baby: Perhaps because he wants to make our mother nervous.
Dad: Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancaces to the school soccer Captain.
Dad: Pancaces for you, Captain.
Captain: I´ll be the Captain and you´ll be Tennille.
“Love will keep us together…”
Kyle: ha ha ha
Cartman: yack
Mom: But Peter. I don´t want to cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend!
Dad: Well, maybe we can just have tea.
Dog: You men like the time you had tea with Mohammed, the prophet of the Muslim faith?
Dad: Come on, Mohammed. Let us get some tea. (Mohammed censored)
Herbal salesman: Try my Mister T tea.
Dad: Oh Boy, was that ever weird, Anyway, I can´t believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner.
Kyle: That´s it? That´s all they did?
Cartman: Hey man. That’s not cool. Seriously, that´s not cool.
Stanley: What´s the big deal?
Cartman: What´s the big deal! You guys think it´s OK to make fun of a religion or a entire group of people. Would you guys think that is OK? Don´t you care about other peoples feelings?
Kyle: Since when did you care about being sensitive to other people´s religion, Cartman?
Stanley: Yeah, you make fun of peoples religion all the time!
Cartman: That is different. I´m just a little boy. That is a cartoon! Millions of people watch it. How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television making fun of Jews all the time? Huh?
Kyle: eh..
Cartman: I´m telling you guys: it´s wrong, it´s wrong, it´s WRONG!
Kyles Mom: Kyle! What are you watching? It´s Family Guy! Do something!
Kyles Dad: (smashing TV-set) It´s OK. It´s dead.
Kyles Mom: You boys know you are not supposed to watch that careless show!
Kyle: Mom, it was nothing. Mohammed just stood there and drank some tea.
Mom: You boys don’t understand anything. It is obvious that you all need Muslim Sensitivity Training!
Muslim Sensitivity Training
Teacher: Welcome to Muslim Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslims feel like they do. And why we can never show an image of Mohammed.
Kyle: No, Muslims can´t show an image of Mohammed.
Teacher: Kyle, you are not being very sensitive.
Cartman: Yeah Kyle. Maybe you think it is funny, but the rest of us don´t.
Teacher: Let´s all look at why the Muslims are so upset.
First of all, in the Muslim religion you are not allowed to have what?
Sex! Good.
There is no sex until marriage in the Muslim world.
Now this would be fine, except that in the Muslim religion you also can´t? Anybody?
You can´t jerk off.
Jacking is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion.
What do we know of the places Muslims live? They live in?
Good: sand.
Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim: it´s Friday night but you can´t have sex, and you can´t jerk off. There is sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and here some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I´ll be pretty pissed off too.
Cartman: Mr. Jerrison. That is ignorant and racist. Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can´t jack off. Right maybe?
Girl: yeah.
Emergency Announcement
Tannoy: Attention students. Proceed to the school gymnasium immidiately to receive an emergency announcement.
Stanley: What the hell is going on now?
Teacher: Quiet, students. Quiet!
SNN: Once again: we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammed was only part one of a two-parter. And part two is going to air next week – with Mohammed uncensored!
Cartman: what!
Teacher: Why would they…?
SNN: FOX studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammed caracter be seen in full view.
The head of FOX has this to say:
“Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist that we don´t censor their wording – we can´t...
Dad: Family Guy! I damn you to hell!
SNN: Once again federal riots have startet in the Middle East. This time even more massive. And terrorist leader Al-Zavahri has issued a threat:
Al-Zavahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn´t even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!
Teacher: Retaliation? Oh my God!
Cartman: God damn Family Guy. Not just they´re provoking people. It´s like they want a holy war.
Stanley: Does this mean that you are at school all week?
Cartman: Guys this is serious. We have to do something!
Kenny: whuwu?
Cartman: We have to go to FOX network in L.A. We have to go and try to get that episode pulled. Are you guys with me?
Stanley: We can´t go anywhere. They have shut down the airports and the busses.
Cartman: We will ride our big-wheels.
Stanley: To Los Angelos?
Cartman: If that is what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network. The Family Guy writers are not going to back down.
Kyle: Well good for them. They should not. The writers are standing up and say, they are not going to be intimidated.
Cartman: Intimidated? Is that what you think it is about, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell has got into you? I don´t trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real.
Cartman: Alright, fine, Kyle. Forget about the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die, just because Family Guy have to have their little joke, would you still thinkit is funny?
What if 100 people die? Would it be funny then, Kyle?
I´m going to Los Angelos. I´m gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak up, right.
The Nightmare
Kyles dad: Kyle, wake up. We have to go. The terrorists are attacking.
Kyle: Are you sure this time.
Kyles Dad: This isn´t a joke, Kyle. Bombs have already gone off in six cities.
Mom: Wait a minute. Where is Ike?
Mom and Dad: IKE? IKE?
Kyle: Ike? IKE?
Ike: Icecream. I´m so glad.
Kyle: Ike. Wait!
Nuclear explosion – Kyle wakes up.
Going to L.A.
Cartman: You have come to try and stop me? It isn´t gonna work.
Kyle: I didn´t come to stop you. I, I think you are right Cartman. I want to help you with the Family Guy episode pull.
Cartman: Yeah, well. I don´t need a partner on this. Especially one who doesn´t trust me.
Kyle: Look Cartman. I don´t know what has gotten into you, but I think it is pretty amazing, and I think it is real. You have to understand why I didn´t believe you before.
Cartman: Ya, I do understand Kyle. I have been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just want to do something right, you know. Just this one time.
Kyle: It´s a long trip, dude. You are going to need help. WE can try and get the episode pulled – together.
Cartman: You know we might not even make it into the studio.
Kyle: I know. But just like you I feel I have to try. People can really be hurt. And a joke just isn´t wort that.
Cartman: So what made you change your mind?
Kyle: I got some sound advice from an old friend.
Cartman: Well Kyle, we better get going!
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: I´m set
Kyle: I´m set. Let do it.
Cartman: Then roll.
The Sand Solution
Mayor: People, quiet please. We must not panic.
Stanleys Dad: What are we going to do Mayor? Part two of the Family Guy episode airs in 6 days.
Mayor: I belive that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution.
Professor Thomas: Thank you, Mayor. Now look everyone. Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do, because they wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know, that we had no part in the Muhammed episode. That even though the episode air, we didn´t watch it, we didn´t hear it and we didn´t talk about it.
Man with hat: So how do we do that?
Professor Thomas: We bury our heads in sand.
We take 20-25 dumptrucks, fill them with sand from Auderclade and we dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately 18 dozens of shovels we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every persons head buried deep, deep in the sand before the Muhammed episode airs, we can avoid looking like we are responsible for any part of this at all.
Man in audience: Now wait, that is rediculous. What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here. Don´t you all see that of anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammed. And show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want.
Look people, it´s been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we have not had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come. One of those times is right now. And if we aren´t willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don´t defend it.
Stanleys Dad I like the sand idea.
Teacher: Yeah, me too.
Kyles Dad: Yeah, the sand thing is a lot simpler.
Mayor: We are going to need 18 dozens of shovels and 60 tons of sand. Lets move people!
En route
Kyle: We got 6 days to make it to Los Angelos. If we keep our stops to a minimum we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.
Cartman: Yeah, and in a few weeks from now Family Guy will be off the air for ever.
Kyle: Off the air, but we are just going to try to get the Muhammed episode pulled.
Cartman: It is simple television economics, Kyle.
All it takes is to kill a show forever: you get one episode pulled. If we can convince the network pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, the the Catholics can demand a show they don´t like pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another episode pulled. And so on, and so on. Until Family Guy is no more. It´s exactly what happened to the Wernon Shirley.
Kyle: Now wait a minute! This isn´t what I signed up for. I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get them off the air forever?
Cartman: Be..because they make fun.. fun of Muslims. And.. and that is wrong.
Kyle: But that doesn´t mean they have to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
Cartman: Don´t you ever, EVER compare me to Family Guy, do you hear me Kyle.
Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me, I will kill you where you stand.
Kyle: You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air.
Cartman: Do you have any idea what it is like: everywhere I go “Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right? Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy, Cartman”
I am nothing like Family Guy. When I make jokes they inherit to a story. Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant, and have a point. Not just one random, interchangeable joke after another.
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Cartman: You don´t understand.
Kyle: I can´t believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop beliving in free speech.
Cartman: Crap, I guess you won´t be helping me now. No big deal. I don´t need you to get the episode pulled.
Kyle: No, I am not letting you go to that television studio and pretend to care about safety and sensitivity, because of a show you like off the air.
Cartman: Well, the Kyle …. Oh my god! Is that Tim McGuire?
Kyle: What?
Big Wheels chase
South Park Avenue
Professor Thomas: If you have children, be sure to bury their head in the sand before you bury your own.
Stanley: Dad, I don´t want to bury my head in the sand.
Dad: It´s the best way, Stanley. Did you eat your fruit roll up?
Stanley: Yeah.
Dad: Now, make sure your snorkel is working. Alright, get your head in the hole.
Stanley: [Dad, it is stupid.]
Dad: There is no time for immaturity. Do it!
Dad: Allright Sharon, now do me.
Man with hat: Oh, professor. We all just thought of something. If everyone has their heads buried by the person standing to their left, then who is going to bury the last persons head?
Professor Thomas: Yes, I afraid one person is going to have to be last and NOT have his head in the sand.
Don: I´ll do it.
Sarah: Don, No!
Professor Thomas: Do you realise, that not burying your head in sand you´ll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audiense?
Don: Yes, I know.
Sarah: Don, please. You can´t!
Don: Somebody has to do it, Sarah. You run along now and get your head in the sand. I´ll be alright. You have to understand, I´m all she has.
Teacher: Who are those people?
Big Whells chase (continued)
Cartman: Ha, ha. So long pal!
Kyle: You son of a bitch. I won´t let you win. You hear me?
Fox Network
George W. Bush: Are you the network president?
Fox President: Yes, Mr President.
George W. Bush: We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President.
Fox President: Mr. President. My hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don´t censor Muhammed.
George W. Bush: But Mr. President. This is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with.
Fox President: Mr. President, there is something about the Family Guy writing staff you should know.
Next week on South Park:
The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy studios and learn the shocking truth about the writing staff, as the entire nation buries its heads in the sand.
The idea has swept the nation, but where will we find enough sand for everyone? Will television executives fight for free speech or will Comedy Central puss out? The battle between good and evil has finally been waged."
SNN:
Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored?
Will Family Guy be destroyed?
Will television executives fight for free speech, or..?
Tune in to see Family Guy, part two.
Next week on South Park!
To be continued:
South Park, Cartoon Wars, Episode II
(Transcript by tourn@sol.dk)
South Park: Cartoon Wars, part II, transcript
Muhammed episode, part II
Suggestion: open it in separate window to follow dialogue.
Duration: 20 min. Excellent humor. Astonishing symbolism.
"Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest level"
Previously on South Park: (part I)
SNN: The popular cartoon Family Guy is going to show the image of Muhammed – uncensored.
Professor Thomas: If we all bury our heads in sand, we can avoid being any part of this.
Cartman: I´ll do everything I can to get that episode pulled, before this gets out of hand.
Kyle: You just want Family Guy off the air.
Cartman: So long, pal.
Kyle: You son of a bitch. I won´t let you win.
Fox President: Mr. President. There is something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know.
And now:
The thrilling conclusion of Cartoon Wars... (interruption)
will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you this
Terrance and Phillip television special...
Mystery at the Lazy “J” Ranch
Phillip: Terrance, isn´t it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy “J” Ranch?
Terrance: It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this shit I ride on has to fart.
Horse: fart
Phillip: Oh, look who is coming. Isn´t that Muhammed? The holy prophet of the Muslim religion.
Muhammed (Censored by CBC): Hey guys. How is it going?
Terrance: Hello Muhammed. We read all about you in the Quran.
Muhammed: I´m here to investigate a murder.
At Canadian Broadcasting Company.
Phillip: Allright, just what the hell is going on here? You censored an inmage of Muhammed in our television special.
CBC network president: You guys know the rules: Nobody can show an image of Muhammed anymore. It is dangerous.
Terrance: But you ruined the whole show.
CBC network president: Look, I´m not gonna risk the lives of the people at the network. Let´s just forget about it. OK guys? [Break wind]
Come on guys. Give me a break.
Phillip: We demand that you re-run Mystery at the Lazy “J” Ranch with Muhammed uncensored.
CBC network president: I run this network. Not you guys. And if you ask me your show has become so pitchy and full of messages, they have forgot how to be funny.
NO MUHAMMED!
Terrance: But Family Guy is going to show Muhammed on an episode that airs tonight.
CBC network president: I doubt it. I´ll bet there right now is someone on their way to Fox network to demand that episode be pulled.
At Fox network, L.A.
Cartman: Madam, I need to speek with the president of this network, right away.
Madam: What is it regarding?
Cartman: It is regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Muhammed episode be pulled before it air tonight. It is incintiating. It is offensive to Muslims. And people can get hurt. It is wrong. It is WRONG.
Madam: OK, but if you´ve got a problem with Family Guy, you´ll have to wait in line. That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air all together.
Cartman: Dude. Can I go before you?
Bart Simpson (special guest star): Eat my shorts.
On the Highway to L.A.
Kyle: What the hell is going on? Hello?
Excuse me. I need to get to Los Angelos. Hey, Hello.
SNN: … started in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight´s episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats:
Al-Zawahri: Family Guy better not show Muhammed tonight. I´m serious. Family Guy isn´t funny.
SNN: Osama bin-Laden has this to say:
Osama bin-Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot. And I think that is totally gay.
SNN: And bin-Laden went on to say, that if Family Guy shows the image of Muhammed as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immidiate.
Gunman: Are you one of “them”?
Kyle: Who?
Gunman: How come your head ain´t in the sand?
Fox network L.A.
Cartman: So, you don´t like Family Guy either, huh?
Bart: I hate Family Guy.
Cartman: So what is your plan? You are going to ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?
Bart: Not nicely.
Cartman: Look kid, if you hate a TV-show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.
Bart: Cool man.
Cartman: Yeah, so my plan is to use this whole Muhammed-thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonights show. I´m going to use fear to get them to do what I want.
Bart: Isn´t that like... terrorism?
Cartman: No, it isn´t like terrorism. It is terrorism!
Bart: I could do that.
Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest level. You should let me handle this.
Bart: I´m a pretty bad kid.
Cartman: Really? What is the worst thing you ever done?
Bart: I stole the head of a statue once.
Cartman: Wow. That is pretty hard core.
Geez. Sounds like this: One time when I didn´t like a kid, so I ground his parents up in the chilly and said it to him.
Bart: You´ve got it man. You got it. See you! (leaving)
Capitol Hill
George W. Bush: I want to assure the American people, that as President I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Muhammed will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at 7.
Reporter: Mr. President. Can´t the writers of the show be resoned with. Don´t they know they are putting the country in danger?
George W. Bush: I have come to understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. I´m surprised to say, they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.
Reporter: What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: I´m afraid that information is classified.
Reporter: Mr. President. Can´t you force the Family Guy writing staff, not to write anything about Muhammed?
Another reporter: Could you throw them in prison?
George W. Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is that the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called “the first amendment”.
Reporter: And what exactly is this “first amendment”. Mr. President?
George W. Bush: You know... Right to free speech.
Gentlemen of the press: (All in doubt – run in circles, scream and shout)
Reporter: Mr. President. When your administration came up with this “first amendment”, did you not foresee a problem like this might happen?
George W. Bush: Well, we did not come up with the first amendment. It was already in place.
Reporter: What do you intend to do about this “first amendment” Mr. President.
Reporter: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this “first amendment” sounds like a lot of bureaucratic dipperidoo.
Fox Board meeting:
Fox president: OK, let us discuss the four-liner.
Secretary: Sir, there is still one little boy out here, who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode.
Fox President: Allright, let us get this over with.
Cartman: Hello genlemen, ladies. My name is Little Danny Pocket. I won´t take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crouch. It is the only way I can get around these days. Aw.
Board members: Poor kid.
Cartman: You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Muhammed and two days later terrorists suicide-bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. First one terrorist suicide bomber, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide-bombers running into the building and blowing up one after another. They were like Mexican jumping beans.
I just won´t like to see people here in your studio getting hurt, you know.
That would be, of course, your responsibility. (cough, aww)
Fox President: I feel terrible. It´s so easy to put terrorism out of mind, until one of its victims is staring you into your face.
Board member: Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again.
Fox President: Little boy, will you talk with the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they´ll back down from demanding we air the episode.
Cartman: I´ll certainly do my best (cough, cough).
Fox President: Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammed episode, after all.
Cartman: [Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead.]
Fox President: What was that?
Cartman: I said thank you. Thank you for listening.
Meanwhile, outside
Kyle: Thanks a lot for the ride.
Former gunman: Hey. It´s the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don´t want to see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show.
Kyle: I´ll do everything I can.
Former gunman: I mean: I know it´s just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it does not get preatchy and up and so and ass with messages, you know.
Bart: [writing: I HATE FAMILY GUY]
Kyle: Excuse me. Do you know which way the network Presidents office is?
Bart: Who wants to know?
Kyle: Look, I´m looking for a friend who is trying to trick the network to get the Family Guy off the air.
Bart: The network Presidents offices is in there.
Kyle: Thank dude.
Bart: No problem, man.
Kyle: Hello? This can´t be right.
Bart: Kawabunga motherfucker.
Family Guy studios
Secretary: Hello Mitchel
Mitchel: Oh, Hi Miss Travis.
Secretary: The President has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.
Mitchel: Are you sure? They are writing on a new episode right now.
Cartman: It won´t take long, Sir. (Cough, cough).
Mitchel: Allright, I´ll take him back. Follow me little Danny.
You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff.
Cartman: Yeah, I am totally excited. Family Guy is so funny.
Mitchel: Well, here we are. Danny - The Family Guy writing staff!
Cartman: Where are they?
Mitchel: They are manatee´s origin and flown in from the Gulf of Mexico. Take a peek here at Lucy from the Carribian Sea.
Cartman: Family Guy is written by manatee´s? Of course. It all makes sence now.
Mitchel: They really are brilliant creatures. You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. Each idea ball has a werb, noun or culture written on it. There is millions of them. The manatee´s chose a ball and swim it over to the joke combiner at the other side of the tank.
Look, she has come up with an idea! She came up with “Gary Coleman”. The idea balls drop into the joke combiner and form a part of the new script.
“Laundry”, “Date”, “Winning”, “Mexico”, “Gary Coleman”.
Oh, a perfect Family Guy joke. I can see it now:
[“Peter you didn´t do the laundry today.
You think that´s bad?
Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?
Que pasa, señores? ]
Cartman: Wait a minute. Did the manatee´s demand that Muhammed be shown? How? Manatee´s don´t talk.
Mitchel: When Fox censored the image of Muhammed in the last episode, it also meant that the Muhammed ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatee´s very upset.
Pull just one ball out of the idea tank, and the manatee´s stop working.
Here, I´ll show you. Keith!
Mitchel: Put it back in. Manatee´s are very ethical writers. Either everything is OK to write about, or nothing is. Anyway the President of the network wanted you to speak with the manatee´s?
Cartman: Oh, yes, yes. Hello manatee´s, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Muhammed. See, I´m the victim of a terrorist attack, and terrorist might come after you if you...
Mitchel: That isn´t gonna work on them.
Cartman: Why not?
Mitchel: Don´t you know anything about manatee´s? They are the only mammals that are completely immovable by terrorist threats.
Cartman: [Son of a bitch]
Studio shed
Kyle: Let me out of here. You can´t do this.
Cartman: Well, well, well!
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: Hello Kyle. Looks like you have run into a little snag in your plan as well.
Kyle: You fat son of a bitch.
Cartman: You came so close to stopping me, Kyle. Didn´t you Kyle? There is just one thing you didn´t count on. That more people besides me hate Family Guy.
Bart: Yeah!
Kyle: Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too. Who are you to decide it should not be on the air?
Bart: Shut up. You shut your … with a base bat.
Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?
Cartman: Not yet. But I have come up with a new plan. I have learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working. As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break I can sneak back in.
Bart: Cool man.
Kyle: CARTMAN, LET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID NET!
Cartman: Good Kyle. That is good, ain´t it. The show you see in there. Have you seen that? That is an emotional character. Based on what is happening in the storyline. (Not at all like Family Guy).
Now, if you´ll excuse me, pal.
I´ve got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.
At the Manatee Tank
Fox President: I don´t understand it. What is wrong with them?
Mitchel: We don´t know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.
Fox President: But nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?
Mitchel: No Sir. None of us did.
Fox President: Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Muhammed uncensored. I did what you asked. What do you want from me?
Cartman: Sir, if you don´t mind my saying this: I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatee´s last week. Now they know what to do, if they refuse to work, and they can do whatever they want. You spoiled them by giving in. Now they think they can walk all over you.
So, you are in charge of this network. Not them. Maybe it is time you show them who is in charge.
Fox President: You are right. It is time I stop letting these pre-Madonna manatee´s tell me what to do: I am pulling the Muhammed episode. Have you got that! And if you don´t want to work tomorrow you can just find another job.
How long before Family Guy is supposed to air? 25 minutes. I´ve gotta hurry.
Cartman: I did it. I AM GOD!
Family Guy is going off the air. No more Family Guy for me, my friend.
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: You f...ing jackass. How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope and becoming a monster like you.
Cartman: God damn it. You gave him a speech and he saved you.
Kyle: You are not killing Family Guy.
Cartman: It is too late Kyle. The President of the network is pulling the episode. Family Guy is a good as dead.
Kyle: You still have time to tell the network President you are full of crap.
Cartman: I can´t let you do that.
Kyle: Get out of my way or I´ll kick your ass.
Cartman: Fine Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.
Cartman: Let this be our final battle.
Kyle/Cartman fighting: Stop it. It is too hard. OK. Come on. Wait, no. No hitting in the bowl.
Cartman: OK. You win. I give up. (Kick Kile anyway).
Cartman: I got my fingers crossed.
Bart: (Hit Cartman with his skateboard).
Kyle: Thanks kid.
The call off
Fox President: Network control, this is the President. I want you to pull the episode.
Network Control: Mr. President, are you sure?
Fox President: I am sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 02-900
Pull System Initiated. Awaiting confirmation
Network control: Mr. President, we need your final aproval code.
Fox President: Presidential Aproval Code: 0-0-
Kyle: Stop, Mr. Television Executive!
Fox President: Who are you?
Kyle: Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a factor child. He only wanted you to pull it, because he know it will be the end of Family Guy forever.
Fox President: End of Family Guy?
Network Control: Mr. President. We need final authorisation.
Fox Control: Hold on, Judy.
Fox President: What are you talking about kid?
Kyle: Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain of reaction. You´ll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It is what happened to the Wernon Shirley.
Fox President: You mean the manatee´s aren´t trying to run the network?
Kyle: What manatee?
Cartman: Go ahead Mr. President. Continue what you are doing!
Kyle: No, you have to show Muhammed Mr. President.
Network Control: Mr. President. We are awaiting your orders.
Kyle: Sir, just think about what you are doing to free speech.
Cartman: No, think about the people who can get hurt.
Fox President: I don´t know who to listen to.
Cartman: OK. I´ll make it easy for you. (Pointing a gun). Pull the Muhammed episode, NOW!
Fox President: OK, I´ll listen to YOU. Judy –
Kyle: No, you can´t listen to him. He is a lier. He is a monster who only wants Family Guy off the air.
Fox President: But he has a gun.
Kyle: You can´t do what he wants, just because he is the one threatening you with violence.
Cartman: shut up Kyle.
Fox President: I can´t be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me!
Kyle: Yes, people can get hurt. That is how terrorism works. But if you give in to that, Doug, you are allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing!
Cartman: Give the order to pull the episode, Mr President.
Fox President: I should not even be in office still. It is supposed to be half-day Fridays.
Network Control: Mr. President. 30 seconds to air-time. What do you want us to do?
Kyle: Do the right thing, Mr President.
Fox President: I allow the episode to be sent, just censor out the image of Muhammed.
Kyle: I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Muhammed, soon you´ll have to censor out more.
Cartman: No gate-speaking, pal.
Kyle: If you don´t show Muhammed, then YOU made a destinction between what is OK to be pulled.
Either it is all OK, or none of it is.
Network Control: 5 seconds. Mr. President.
Kyle: Do the right thing. Show Muhammed. Do the right thing.
Network Control: Mr. President. We need the decision NOW!
Fox President: Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.
Kyle: Yes
Cartman: No, I hate Family Guy.
clik-clik-clik
On the Air
Family Guy show:[Peter, you have got a pink slip at work.
You think that is bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Muhammed while wearing a toga?
(door bell)
Comming Muhammed.
Sign saying:
“In this shot, Mohammed
hands a football helmet to Family Guy”
New sign saying:
Well, my salmon helmet? Thanks.
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Oh, yeah. My pink slip...]
Operator: Hey that wasn´t bad at all. They just showed Muhammed standing there, looking normal.
Mr. President, the terrorists! They are retaliating!
Fox President: What?
SNN: As soon as the image of Muhammed appeared, terrorist leader Al-Zawahri announced the retaliation.
Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Muhammed. But Family Guy did it anyways. So now here is our retaliation on America!!!
The Retaliation
Osama bin-Laden & al- Zawahri
Present an
al-Qaeda Films production
Bob: Hello, I am American
Greg: I am American too.
Bob and Greg: We like to crap on each other.
George W. Bush: I am the President, Bush. I will crap on both of you.
Bob and Greg: We love to crap.
Linda: I am American. I am pregnant with a baby but I´m not married.
Jesus: Look at me. I am Jesus. You´d like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush?
All: Yummy, Yummy, crap.
The End
Al-Zawahri: Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you!
THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY.
(Transcript by tourn@sol.dk)
Suggestion: open it in separate window to follow dialogue.
Duration: 20 min. Excellent humor. Astonishing symbolism.
"Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest level"
Previously on South Park: (part I)
SNN: The popular cartoon Family Guy is going to show the image of Muhammed – uncensored.
Professor Thomas: If we all bury our heads in sand, we can avoid being any part of this.
Cartman: I´ll do everything I can to get that episode pulled, before this gets out of hand.
Kyle: You just want Family Guy off the air.
Cartman: So long, pal.
Kyle: You son of a bitch. I won´t let you win.
Fox President: Mr. President. There is something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know.
And now:
The thrilling conclusion of Cartoon Wars... (interruption)
will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you this
Terrance and Phillip television special...
Mystery at the Lazy “J” Ranch
Phillip: Terrance, isn´t it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy “J” Ranch?
Terrance: It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this shit I ride on has to fart.
Horse: fart
Phillip: Oh, look who is coming. Isn´t that Muhammed? The holy prophet of the Muslim religion.
Muhammed (Censored by CBC): Hey guys. How is it going?
Terrance: Hello Muhammed. We read all about you in the Quran.
Muhammed: I´m here to investigate a murder.
At Canadian Broadcasting Company.
Phillip: Allright, just what the hell is going on here? You censored an inmage of Muhammed in our television special.
CBC network president: You guys know the rules: Nobody can show an image of Muhammed anymore. It is dangerous.
Terrance: But you ruined the whole show.
CBC network president: Look, I´m not gonna risk the lives of the people at the network. Let´s just forget about it. OK guys? [Break wind]
Come on guys. Give me a break.
Phillip: We demand that you re-run Mystery at the Lazy “J” Ranch with Muhammed uncensored.
CBC network president: I run this network. Not you guys. And if you ask me your show has become so pitchy and full of messages, they have forgot how to be funny.
NO MUHAMMED!
Terrance: But Family Guy is going to show Muhammed on an episode that airs tonight.
CBC network president: I doubt it. I´ll bet there right now is someone on their way to Fox network to demand that episode be pulled.
At Fox network, L.A.
Cartman: Madam, I need to speek with the president of this network, right away.
Madam: What is it regarding?
Cartman: It is regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Muhammed episode be pulled before it air tonight. It is incintiating. It is offensive to Muslims. And people can get hurt. It is wrong. It is WRONG.
Madam: OK, but if you´ve got a problem with Family Guy, you´ll have to wait in line. That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air all together.
Cartman: Dude. Can I go before you?
Bart Simpson (special guest star): Eat my shorts.
On the Highway to L.A.
Kyle: What the hell is going on? Hello?
Excuse me. I need to get to Los Angelos. Hey, Hello.
SNN: … started in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight´s episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats:
Al-Zawahri: Family Guy better not show Muhammed tonight. I´m serious. Family Guy isn´t funny.
SNN: Osama bin-Laden has this to say:
Osama bin-Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot. And I think that is totally gay.
SNN: And bin-Laden went on to say, that if Family Guy shows the image of Muhammed as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immidiate.
Gunman: Are you one of “them”?
Kyle: Who?
Gunman: How come your head ain´t in the sand?
Fox network L.A.
Cartman: So, you don´t like Family Guy either, huh?
Bart: I hate Family Guy.
Cartman: So what is your plan? You are going to ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?
Bart: Not nicely.
Cartman: Look kid, if you hate a TV-show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.
Bart: Cool man.
Cartman: Yeah, so my plan is to use this whole Muhammed-thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonights show. I´m going to use fear to get them to do what I want.
Bart: Isn´t that like... terrorism?
Cartman: No, it isn´t like terrorism. It is terrorism!
Bart: I could do that.
Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest level. You should let me handle this.
Bart: I´m a pretty bad kid.
Cartman: Really? What is the worst thing you ever done?
Bart: I stole the head of a statue once.
Cartman: Wow. That is pretty hard core.
Geez. Sounds like this: One time when I didn´t like a kid, so I ground his parents up in the chilly and said it to him.
Bart: You´ve got it man. You got it. See you! (leaving)
Capitol Hill
George W. Bush: I want to assure the American people, that as President I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Muhammed will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at 7.
Reporter: Mr. President. Can´t the writers of the show be resoned with. Don´t they know they are putting the country in danger?
George W. Bush: I have come to understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. I´m surprised to say, they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.
Reporter: What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: I´m afraid that information is classified.
Reporter: Mr. President. Can´t you force the Family Guy writing staff, not to write anything about Muhammed?
Another reporter: Could you throw them in prison?
George W. Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is that the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called “the first amendment”.
Reporter: And what exactly is this “first amendment”. Mr. President?
George W. Bush: You know... Right to free speech.
Gentlemen of the press: (All in doubt – run in circles, scream and shout)
Reporter: Mr. President. When your administration came up with this “first amendment”, did you not foresee a problem like this might happen?
George W. Bush: Well, we did not come up with the first amendment. It was already in place.
Reporter: What do you intend to do about this “first amendment” Mr. President.
Reporter: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this “first amendment” sounds like a lot of bureaucratic dipperidoo.
Fox Board meeting:
Fox president: OK, let us discuss the four-liner.
Secretary: Sir, there is still one little boy out here, who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode.
Fox President: Allright, let us get this over with.
Cartman: Hello genlemen, ladies. My name is Little Danny Pocket. I won´t take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crouch. It is the only way I can get around these days. Aw.
Board members: Poor kid.
Cartman: You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Muhammed and two days later terrorists suicide-bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. First one terrorist suicide bomber, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide-bombers running into the building and blowing up one after another. They were like Mexican jumping beans.
I just won´t like to see people here in your studio getting hurt, you know.
That would be, of course, your responsibility. (cough, aww)
Fox President: I feel terrible. It´s so easy to put terrorism out of mind, until one of its victims is staring you into your face.
Board member: Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again.
Fox President: Little boy, will you talk with the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they´ll back down from demanding we air the episode.
Cartman: I´ll certainly do my best (cough, cough).
Fox President: Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammed episode, after all.
Cartman: [Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead.]
Fox President: What was that?
Cartman: I said thank you. Thank you for listening.
Meanwhile, outside
Kyle: Thanks a lot for the ride.
Former gunman: Hey. It´s the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don´t want to see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show.
Kyle: I´ll do everything I can.
Former gunman: I mean: I know it´s just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it does not get preatchy and up and so and ass with messages, you know.
Bart: [writing: I HATE FAMILY GUY]
Kyle: Excuse me. Do you know which way the network Presidents office is?
Bart: Who wants to know?
Kyle: Look, I´m looking for a friend who is trying to trick the network to get the Family Guy off the air.
Bart: The network Presidents offices is in there.
Kyle: Thank dude.
Bart: No problem, man.
Kyle: Hello? This can´t be right.
Bart: Kawabunga motherfucker.
Family Guy studios
Secretary: Hello Mitchel
Mitchel: Oh, Hi Miss Travis.
Secretary: The President has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.
Mitchel: Are you sure? They are writing on a new episode right now.
Cartman: It won´t take long, Sir. (Cough, cough).
Mitchel: Allright, I´ll take him back. Follow me little Danny.
You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff.
Cartman: Yeah, I am totally excited. Family Guy is so funny.
Mitchel: Well, here we are. Danny - The Family Guy writing staff!
Cartman: Where are they?
Mitchel: They are manatee´s origin and flown in from the Gulf of Mexico. Take a peek here at Lucy from the Carribian Sea.
Cartman: Family Guy is written by manatee´s? Of course. It all makes sence now.
Mitchel: They really are brilliant creatures. You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. Each idea ball has a werb, noun or culture written on it. There is millions of them. The manatee´s chose a ball and swim it over to the joke combiner at the other side of the tank.
Look, she has come up with an idea! She came up with “Gary Coleman”. The idea balls drop into the joke combiner and form a part of the new script.
“Laundry”, “Date”, “Winning”, “Mexico”, “Gary Coleman”.
Oh, a perfect Family Guy joke. I can see it now:
[“Peter you didn´t do the laundry today.
You think that´s bad?
Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?
Que pasa, señores? ]
Cartman: Wait a minute. Did the manatee´s demand that Muhammed be shown? How? Manatee´s don´t talk.
Mitchel: When Fox censored the image of Muhammed in the last episode, it also meant that the Muhammed ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatee´s very upset.
Pull just one ball out of the idea tank, and the manatee´s stop working.
Here, I´ll show you. Keith!
Mitchel: Put it back in. Manatee´s are very ethical writers. Either everything is OK to write about, or nothing is. Anyway the President of the network wanted you to speak with the manatee´s?
Cartman: Oh, yes, yes. Hello manatee´s, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Muhammed. See, I´m the victim of a terrorist attack, and terrorist might come after you if you...
Mitchel: That isn´t gonna work on them.
Cartman: Why not?
Mitchel: Don´t you know anything about manatee´s? They are the only mammals that are completely immovable by terrorist threats.
Cartman: [Son of a bitch]
Studio shed
Kyle: Let me out of here. You can´t do this.
Cartman: Well, well, well!
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: Hello Kyle. Looks like you have run into a little snag in your plan as well.
Kyle: You fat son of a bitch.
Cartman: You came so close to stopping me, Kyle. Didn´t you Kyle? There is just one thing you didn´t count on. That more people besides me hate Family Guy.
Bart: Yeah!
Kyle: Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too. Who are you to decide it should not be on the air?
Bart: Shut up. You shut your … with a base bat.
Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?
Cartman: Not yet. But I have come up with a new plan. I have learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working. As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break I can sneak back in.
Bart: Cool man.
Kyle: CARTMAN, LET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID NET!
Cartman: Good Kyle. That is good, ain´t it. The show you see in there. Have you seen that? That is an emotional character. Based on what is happening in the storyline. (Not at all like Family Guy).
Now, if you´ll excuse me, pal.
I´ve got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.
At the Manatee Tank
Fox President: I don´t understand it. What is wrong with them?
Mitchel: We don´t know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.
Fox President: But nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?
Mitchel: No Sir. None of us did.
Fox President: Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Muhammed uncensored. I did what you asked. What do you want from me?
Cartman: Sir, if you don´t mind my saying this: I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatee´s last week. Now they know what to do, if they refuse to work, and they can do whatever they want. You spoiled them by giving in. Now they think they can walk all over you.
So, you are in charge of this network. Not them. Maybe it is time you show them who is in charge.
Fox President: You are right. It is time I stop letting these pre-Madonna manatee´s tell me what to do: I am pulling the Muhammed episode. Have you got that! And if you don´t want to work tomorrow you can just find another job.
How long before Family Guy is supposed to air? 25 minutes. I´ve gotta hurry.
Cartman: I did it. I AM GOD!
Family Guy is going off the air. No more Family Guy for me, my friend.
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: You f...ing jackass. How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope and becoming a monster like you.
Cartman: God damn it. You gave him a speech and he saved you.
Kyle: You are not killing Family Guy.
Cartman: It is too late Kyle. The President of the network is pulling the episode. Family Guy is a good as dead.
Kyle: You still have time to tell the network President you are full of crap.
Cartman: I can´t let you do that.
Kyle: Get out of my way or I´ll kick your ass.
Cartman: Fine Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.
Cartman: Let this be our final battle.
Kyle/Cartman fighting: Stop it. It is too hard. OK. Come on. Wait, no. No hitting in the bowl.
Cartman: OK. You win. I give up. (Kick Kile anyway).
Cartman: I got my fingers crossed.
Bart: (Hit Cartman with his skateboard).
Kyle: Thanks kid.
The call off
Fox President: Network control, this is the President. I want you to pull the episode.
Network Control: Mr. President, are you sure?
Fox President: I am sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 02-900
Pull System Initiated. Awaiting confirmation
Network control: Mr. President, we need your final aproval code.
Fox President: Presidential Aproval Code: 0-0-
Kyle: Stop, Mr. Television Executive!
Fox President: Who are you?
Kyle: Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a factor child. He only wanted you to pull it, because he know it will be the end of Family Guy forever.
Fox President: End of Family Guy?
Network Control: Mr. President. We need final authorisation.
Fox Control: Hold on, Judy.
Fox President: What are you talking about kid?
Kyle: Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain of reaction. You´ll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It is what happened to the Wernon Shirley.
Fox President: You mean the manatee´s aren´t trying to run the network?
Kyle: What manatee?
Cartman: Go ahead Mr. President. Continue what you are doing!
Kyle: No, you have to show Muhammed Mr. President.
Network Control: Mr. President. We are awaiting your orders.
Kyle: Sir, just think about what you are doing to free speech.
Cartman: No, think about the people who can get hurt.
Fox President: I don´t know who to listen to.
Cartman: OK. I´ll make it easy for you. (Pointing a gun). Pull the Muhammed episode, NOW!
Fox President: OK, I´ll listen to YOU. Judy –
Kyle: No, you can´t listen to him. He is a lier. He is a monster who only wants Family Guy off the air.
Fox President: But he has a gun.
Kyle: You can´t do what he wants, just because he is the one threatening you with violence.
Cartman: shut up Kyle.
Fox President: I can´t be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me!
Kyle: Yes, people can get hurt. That is how terrorism works. But if you give in to that, Doug, you are allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing!
Cartman: Give the order to pull the episode, Mr President.
Fox President: I should not even be in office still. It is supposed to be half-day Fridays.
Network Control: Mr. President. 30 seconds to air-time. What do you want us to do?
Kyle: Do the right thing, Mr President.
Fox President: I allow the episode to be sent, just censor out the image of Muhammed.
Kyle: I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Muhammed, soon you´ll have to censor out more.
Cartman: No gate-speaking, pal.
Kyle: If you don´t show Muhammed, then YOU made a destinction between what is OK to be pulled.
Either it is all OK, or none of it is.
Network Control: 5 seconds. Mr. President.
Kyle: Do the right thing. Show Muhammed. Do the right thing.
Network Control: Mr. President. We need the decision NOW!
Fox President: Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.
Kyle: Yes
Cartman: No, I hate Family Guy.
clik-clik-clik
On the Air
Family Guy show:[Peter, you have got a pink slip at work.
You think that is bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Muhammed while wearing a toga?
(door bell)
Comming Muhammed.
Sign saying:
“In this shot, Mohammed
hands a football helmet to Family Guy”
New sign saying:
Well, my salmon helmet? Thanks.
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Oh, yeah. My pink slip...]
Operator: Hey that wasn´t bad at all. They just showed Muhammed standing there, looking normal.
Mr. President, the terrorists! They are retaliating!
Fox President: What?
SNN: As soon as the image of Muhammed appeared, terrorist leader Al-Zawahri announced the retaliation.
Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Muhammed. But Family Guy did it anyways. So now here is our retaliation on America!!!
The Retaliation
Osama bin-Laden & al- Zawahri
Present an
al-Qaeda Films production
Bob: Hello, I am American
Greg: I am American too.
Bob and Greg: We like to crap on each other.
George W. Bush: I am the President, Bush. I will crap on both of you.
Bob and Greg: We love to crap.
Linda: I am American. I am pregnant with a baby but I´m not married.
Jesus: Look at me. I am Jesus. You´d like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush?
All: Yummy, Yummy, crap.
The End
Al-Zawahri: Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you!
THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY.
(Transcript by tourn@sol.dk)
søndag, maj 21, 2006
Woman Is the Nigger of the World
.
Lyrics: John Lennon:
Woman is the nigger of the world
Yes she is...think about it
Woman is the nigger of the world
Think about it...do something about it
We make her paint her face and dance
If she won't be slave ,we say that she don't love us
If she's real, we say she's trying to be a man
While putting her down we pretend that she is above us
Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't belive me take a look to the one you're with
Woman is the slaves of the slaves
Ah yeah...better screem about it
We make her bear and raise our children
And then we leave her flat for being a fat old mother hen
We tell her home is the only place she would be
Then we complain that she's too unworldly to be our friend
Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't belive me take a look to the one you're with
Woman is the slaves of the slaves
Yeah (think about it)
We insult her everyday on TV
And wonder why she has no guts or confidence
When she's young we kill her will to be free
While telling her not to be so smart we put her down for being so dumb
Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't belive me take a look to the one you're with
Woman is the slaves of the slaves
Yeah (think about it)
Lyrics: John Lennon:
Woman is the nigger of the world
Yes she is...think about it
Woman is the nigger of the world
Think about it...do something about it
We make her paint her face and dance
If she won't be slave ,we say that she don't love us
If she's real, we say she's trying to be a man
While putting her down we pretend that she is above us
Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't belive me take a look to the one you're with
Woman is the slaves of the slaves
Ah yeah...better screem about it
We make her bear and raise our children
And then we leave her flat for being a fat old mother hen
We tell her home is the only place she would be
Then we complain that she's too unworldly to be our friend
Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't belive me take a look to the one you're with
Woman is the slaves of the slaves
Yeah (think about it)
We insult her everyday on TV
And wonder why she has no guts or confidence
When she's young we kill her will to be free
While telling her not to be so smart we put her down for being so dumb
Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't belive me take a look to the one you're with
Woman is the slaves of the slaves
Yeah (think about it)
If the muslims love their children too
Sting, “Russians” with surprisingly few changes done by Finn Boserup, May 2006
"Muslims"
In Europe and America, there's a growing feeling of hysteria
Conditioned to respond to all the threats
In the rhetorical speeches of the islamists
Bin-Laden said we will bury you
I must oppose to his acts and view
Terrorism is such an ignorant thing to do
If the muslims love their children too
How can I save my little boy from Ahmedinejads deadly toy
There is no monopoly in common sense
On either side of the political fence
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the muslims love their children too
There is no historical precedent
To put the words in the mouth of the President
There's no such thing as a winnable war
It's a lie that we don't believe anymore
George Bush says we will protect you
searching for the right thing to do
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the muslims love their children too
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
What might save us, me, and you
Is that the muslims love their children too
"Muslims"
In Europe and America, there's a growing feeling of hysteria
Conditioned to respond to all the threats
In the rhetorical speeches of the islamists
Bin-Laden said we will bury you
I must oppose to his acts and view
Terrorism is such an ignorant thing to do
If the muslims love their children too
How can I save my little boy from Ahmedinejads deadly toy
There is no monopoly in common sense
On either side of the political fence
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the muslims love their children too
There is no historical precedent
To put the words in the mouth of the President
There's no such thing as a winnable war
It's a lie that we don't believe anymore
George Bush says we will protect you
searching for the right thing to do
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the muslims love their children too
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
What might save us, me, and you
Is that the muslims love their children too
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