South Park, Cartoon Wars, part I, transcript

Muhammed episode, part I
Suggestion: open it in separate window to follow dialogue.
Duration: 20 min. Excellent humor. Astonishing symbolism.
"It is obvious that you all need Muslim Sensitivity Training!"
All characters and events in this show – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated… poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.

Intro

Stanleys Mom: But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn´t afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe for ever, and ever…
Good night my little angel.
Stanleys Dad: Argh! Get up. Get your shoes on. Gonna get out of here. Move!
Take this. We are going to bring all the water we can. Shelly – go get my gun!
Shelly: Which gun, Dad?
Dad: Just get the gun! Come on.
Stanley: Kyle, what the hell is going on this time?
Kyle: I have no idea.
Dad: Take cover in the community centre again.
Man: All right. Get in. We are going to get a seal on that door.
Mom: Oh my God, Steven. We left Feathers.
Dad: We cant go out there, Linda. It´s too late for him.
Stanley: Dad. What the hell is going on?
Dad: A cartoon. A cartoon is about to air on American television, with the Muslim prophet Mohammed as a character.
Stanley: So???
Dad: So!!! Stanley, Mohammed is sacred to the Muslim people. Ever since those cartoons in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammed anymore.
Kyles Dad: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon would be so insensitive to have Mohammed in it as a character?
Stanleys Dad: Who do you think? The cartoon that is always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor: Family Guy.
Crowd: awhhhh!
Man with hat: How could Family Guy do that?
Kyles Mom: Why do Family Guy insult Muslims?
Dad: Because Family Guy don´t care who they insult. They only care about their prescious money.
Stanley: O.K. Com on people. You don´t think anybody is really gonna be that pissed off by a cartoon!
Man: We got the TV working.
NEWS 4: Again: a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammed is set to air tonight on Family Guy.
Mom: Oh Randy, hold me!
NEWS 4: The news have already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world.
All over the Middle East Muslims are burning American flags – and Family Guy posters.
Muslim terrorist Al-Zavahri made this statement:
Al-Zavahri: “We are so pissed off at Family Guy. Family Guy isn´t even that funny of a show. A jihad on Family Guy and the Family Guy nation!
Lady: So what happens now?
Stanleys Dad: We stay here through the night. Wait it out to see if they do anything. If we are still alive in the morning – then we´ll know that we are not dead!

The Next morning.

Teacher: It´s OK. We are alive!
Stanleys Dad: We are alive!
Man with hat: Everyone listen: FOX network censored the image of Mohammed in the last minute.
Crowd: ahhhh
Stanleys Dad: Well, it looks like we dodged the bullet.
Stanley: They censored the image of Mohammed, How?
Kyle: I keep every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did.
OK guys. Check it out.
Cartman: You tape every episode of Family Guy?
Kyle: It´s a good show!
Stanley: Lots of people like Family Guy.

Family Guy show:
Mom: Peter, I can’t believe it! You invited your old high school sweetheart over for dinner!
Family Guy: You think that is bad! Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhofs car? Hey there Knight Rider.
Knight Rider: After those bad guys, kid!
Son: Yeah, but dad. Why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner?
Baby: Perhaps because he wants to make our mother nervous.
Dad: Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancaces to the school soccer Captain.
Dad: Pancaces for you, Captain.
Captain: I´ll be the Captain and you´ll be Tennille.
“Love will keep us together…”

Kyle: ha ha ha
Cartman: yack

Mom: But Peter. I don´t want to cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend!
Dad: Well, maybe we can just have tea.
Dog: You men like the time you had tea with Mohammed, the prophet of the Muslim faith?
Dad: Come on, Mohammed. Let us get some tea. (Mohammed censored)
Herbal salesman: Try my Mister T tea.
Dad: Oh Boy, was that ever weird, Anyway, I can´t believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner.

Kyle: That´s it? That´s all they did?
Cartman: Hey man. That’s not cool. Seriously, that´s not cool.
Stanley: What´s the big deal?
Cartman: What´s the big deal! You guys think it´s OK to make fun of a religion or a entire group of people. Would you guys think that is OK? Don´t you care about other peoples feelings?
Kyle: Since when did you care about being sensitive to other people´s religion, Cartman?
Stanley: Yeah, you make fun of peoples religion all the time!
Cartman: That is different. I´m just a little boy. That is a cartoon! Millions of people watch it. How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television making fun of Jews all the time? Huh?
Kyle: eh..
Cartman: I´m telling you guys: it´s wrong, it´s wrong, it´s WRONG!
Kyles Mom: Kyle! What are you watching? It´s Family Guy! Do something!
Kyles Dad: (smashing TV-set) It´s OK. It´s dead.
Kyles Mom: You boys know you are not supposed to watch that careless show!
Kyle: Mom, it was nothing. Mohammed just stood there and drank some tea.
Mom: You boys don’t understand anything. It is obvious that you all need Muslim Sensitivity Training!

Muslim Sensitivity Training

Teacher: Welcome to Muslim Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslims feel like they do. And why we can never show an image of Mohammed.
Kyle: No, Muslims can´t show an image of Mohammed.
Teacher: Kyle, you are not being very sensitive.
Cartman: Yeah Kyle. Maybe you think it is funny, but the rest of us don´t.
Teacher: Let´s all look at why the Muslims are so upset.
First of all, in the Muslim religion you are not allowed to have what?
Sex! Good.
There is no sex until marriage in the Muslim world.
Now this would be fine, except that in the Muslim religion you also can´t? Anybody?
You can´t jerk off.
Jacking is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion.
What do we know of the places Muslims live? They live in?
Good: sand.
Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim: it´s Friday night but you can´t have sex, and you can´t jerk off. There is sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and here some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I´ll be pretty pissed off too.
Cartman: Mr. Jerrison. That is ignorant and racist. Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can´t jack off. Right maybe?
Girl: yeah.

Emergency Announcement

Tannoy: Attention students. Proceed to the school gymnasium immidiately to receive an emergency announcement.
Stanley: What the hell is going on now?
Teacher: Quiet, students. Quiet!
SNN: Once again: we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammed was only part one of a two-parter. And part two is going to air next week – with Mohammed uncensored!
Cartman: what!
Teacher: Why would they…?
SNN: FOX studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammed caracter be seen in full view.
The head of FOX has this to say:
“Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist that we don´t censor their wording – we can´t...
Dad: Family Guy! I damn you to hell!
SNN: Once again federal riots have startet in the Middle East. This time even more massive. And terrorist leader Al-Zavahri has issued a threat:
Al-Zavahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn´t even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!
Teacher: Retaliation? Oh my God!
Cartman: God damn Family Guy. Not just they´re provoking people. It´s like they want a holy war.
Stanley: Does this mean that you are at school all week?
Cartman: Guys this is serious. We have to do something!
Kenny: whuwu?
Cartman: We have to go to FOX network in L.A. We have to go and try to get that episode pulled. Are you guys with me?
Stanley: We can´t go anywhere. They have shut down the airports and the busses.
Cartman: We will ride our big-wheels.
Stanley: To Los Angelos?
Cartman: If that is what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network. The Family Guy writers are not going to back down.
Kyle: Well good for them. They should not. The writers are standing up and say, they are not going to be intimidated.
Cartman: Intimidated? Is that what you think it is about, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell has got into you? I don´t trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real.
Cartman: Alright, fine, Kyle. Forget about the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die, just because Family Guy have to have their little joke, would you still thinkit is funny?
What if 100 people die? Would it be funny then, Kyle?
I´m going to Los Angelos. I´m gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak up, right.

The Nightmare

Kyles dad: Kyle, wake up. We have to go. The terrorists are attacking.
Kyle: Are you sure this time.
Kyles Dad: This isn´t a joke, Kyle. Bombs have already gone off in six cities.
Mom: Wait a minute. Where is Ike?
Mom and Dad: IKE? IKE?
Kyle: Ike? IKE?
Ike: Icecream. I´m so glad.
Kyle: Ike. Wait!
Nuclear explosion – Kyle wakes up.

Going to L.A.

Cartman: You have come to try and stop me? It isn´t gonna work.
Kyle: I didn´t come to stop you. I, I think you are right Cartman. I want to help you with the Family Guy episode pull.
Cartman: Yeah, well. I don´t need a partner on this. Especially one who doesn´t trust me.
Kyle: Look Cartman. I don´t know what has gotten into you, but I think it is pretty amazing, and I think it is real. You have to understand why I didn´t believe you before.
Cartman: Ya, I do understand Kyle. I have been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just want to do something right, you know. Just this one time.
Kyle: It´s a long trip, dude. You are going to need help. WE can try and get the episode pulled – together.
Cartman: You know we might not even make it into the studio.
Kyle: I know. But just like you I feel I have to try. People can really be hurt. And a joke just isn´t wort that.
Cartman: So what made you change your mind?
Kyle: I got some sound advice from an old friend.
Cartman: Well Kyle, we better get going!
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: I´m set
Kyle: I´m set. Let do it.
Cartman: Then roll.

The Sand Solution

Mayor: People, quiet please. We must not panic.
Stanleys Dad: What are we going to do Mayor? Part two of the Family Guy episode airs in 6 days.
Mayor: I belive that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution.
Professor Thomas: Thank you, Mayor. Now look everyone. Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do, because they wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know, that we had no part in the Muhammed episode. That even though the episode air, we didn´t watch it, we didn´t hear it and we didn´t talk about it.
Man with hat: So how do we do that?
Professor Thomas: We bury our heads in sand.
We take 20-25 dumptrucks, fill them with sand from Auderclade and we dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately 18 dozens of shovels we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every persons head buried deep, deep in the sand before the Muhammed episode airs, we can avoid looking like we are responsible for any part of this at all.
Man in audience: Now wait, that is rediculous. What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here. Don´t you all see that of anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammed. And show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want.
Look people, it´s been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we have not had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come. One of those times is right now. And if we aren´t willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don´t defend it.
Stanleys Dad I like the sand idea.
Teacher: Yeah, me too.
Kyles Dad: Yeah, the sand thing is a lot simpler.
Mayor: We are going to need 18 dozens of shovels and 60 tons of sand. Lets move people!

En route

Kyle: We got 6 days to make it to Los Angelos. If we keep our stops to a minimum we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.
Cartman: Yeah, and in a few weeks from now Family Guy will be off the air for ever.
Kyle: Off the air, but we are just going to try to get the Muhammed episode pulled.
Cartman: It is simple television economics, Kyle.
All it takes is to kill a show forever: you get one episode pulled. If we can convince the network pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, the the Catholics can demand a show they don´t like pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another episode pulled. And so on, and so on. Until Family Guy is no more. It´s exactly what happened to the Wernon Shirley.
Kyle: Now wait a minute! This isn´t what I signed up for. I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get them off the air forever?
Cartman: Be..because they make fun.. fun of Muslims. And.. and that is wrong.
Kyle: But that doesn´t mean they have to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
Cartman: Don´t you ever, EVER compare me to Family Guy, do you hear me Kyle.
Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me, I will kill you where you stand.
Kyle: You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air.
Cartman: Do you have any idea what it is like: everywhere I go “Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right? Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy, Cartman”
I am nothing like Family Guy. When I make jokes they inherit to a story. Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant, and have a point. Not just one random, interchangeable joke after another.
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Cartman: You don´t understand.
Kyle: I can´t believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop beliving in free speech.
Cartman: Crap, I guess you won´t be helping me now. No big deal. I don´t need you to get the episode pulled.
Kyle: No, I am not letting you go to that television studio and pretend to care about safety and sensitivity, because of a show you like off the air.
Cartman: Well, the Kyle …. Oh my god! Is that Tim McGuire?
Kyle: What?

Big Wheels chase

South Park Avenue

Professor Thomas: If you have children, be sure to bury their head in the sand before you bury your own.
Stanley: Dad, I don´t want to bury my head in the sand.
Dad: It´s the best way, Stanley. Did you eat your fruit roll up?
Stanley: Yeah.
Dad: Now, make sure your snorkel is working. Alright, get your head in the hole.
Stanley: [Dad, it is stupid.]
Dad: There is no time for immaturity. Do it!
Dad: Allright Sharon, now do me.
Man with hat: Oh, professor. We all just thought of something. If everyone has their heads buried by the person standing to their left, then who is going to bury the last persons head?
Professor Thomas: Yes, I afraid one person is going to have to be last and NOT have his head in the sand.
Don: I´ll do it.
Sarah: Don, No!
Professor Thomas: Do you realise, that not burying your head in sand you´ll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audiense?
Don: Yes, I know.
Sarah: Don, please. You can´t!
Don: Somebody has to do it, Sarah. You run along now and get your head in the sand. I´ll be alright. You have to understand, I´m all she has.
Teacher: Who are those people?

Big Whells chase (continued)

Cartman: Ha, ha. So long pal!
Kyle: You son of a bitch. I won´t let you win. You hear me?

Fox Network

George W. Bush: Are you the network president?
Fox President: Yes, Mr President.
George W. Bush: We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President.
Fox President: Mr. President. My hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don´t censor Muhammed.
George W. Bush: But Mr. President. This is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with.
Fox President: Mr. President, there is something about the Family Guy writing staff you should know.

Next week on South Park:
The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy studios and learn the shocking truth about the writing staff, as the entire nation buries its heads in the sand.
The idea has swept the nation, but where will we find enough sand for everyone? Will television executives fight for free speech or will Comedy Central puss out? The battle between good and evil has finally been waged."

SNN:
Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored?
Will Family Guy be destroyed?
Will television executives fight for free speech, or..?

Tune in to see Family Guy, part two.
Next week on South Park!

To be continued:
South Park, Cartoon Wars, Episode II

(Transcript by tourn@sol.dk)