onsdag, maj 24, 2006

South Park: Cartoon Wars, part II, transcript

Muhammed episode, part II
Suggestion: open it in separate window to follow dialogue.
Duration: 20 min. Excellent humor. Astonishing symbolism.
"Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest level"

Previously on South Park: (part I)
SNN: The popular cartoon Family Guy is going to show the image of Muhammed – uncensored.
Professor Thomas: If we all bury our heads in sand, we can avoid being any part of this.
Cartman: I´ll do everything I can to get that episode pulled, before this gets out of hand.
Kyle: You just want Family Guy off the air.
Cartman: So long, pal.
Kyle: You son of a bitch. I won´t let you win.
Fox President: Mr. President. There is something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know.

And now:
The thrilling conclusion of Cartoon Wars... (interruption)
will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you this

Terrance and Phillip television special...
Mystery at the Lazy “J” Ranch
Phillip: Terrance, isn´t it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy “J” Ranch?
Terrance: It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this shit I ride on has to fart.
Horse: fart
Phillip: Oh, look who is coming. Isn´t that Muhammed? The holy prophet of the Muslim religion.
Muhammed (Censored by CBC): Hey guys. How is it going?
Terrance: Hello Muhammed. We read all about you in the Quran.
Muhammed: I´m here to investigate a murder.

At Canadian Broadcasting Company.

Phillip: Allright, just what the hell is going on here? You censored an inmage of Muhammed in our television special.
CBC network president: You guys know the rules: Nobody can show an image of Muhammed anymore. It is dangerous.
Terrance: But you ruined the whole show.
CBC network president: Look, I´m not gonna risk the lives of the people at the network. Let´s just forget about it. OK guys? [Break wind]
Come on guys. Give me a break.
Phillip: We demand that you re-run Mystery at the Lazy “J” Ranch with Muhammed uncensored.
CBC network president: I run this network. Not you guys. And if you ask me your show has become so pitchy and full of messages, they have forgot how to be funny.
Terrance: But Family Guy is going to show Muhammed on an episode that airs tonight.
CBC network president: I doubt it. I´ll bet there right now is someone on their way to Fox network to demand that episode be pulled.

At Fox network, L.A.

Cartman: Madam, I need to speek with the president of this network, right away.
Madam: What is it regarding?
Cartman: It is regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Muhammed episode be pulled before it air tonight. It is incintiating. It is offensive to Muslims. And people can get hurt. It is wrong. It is WRONG.
Madam: OK, but if you´ve got a problem with Family Guy, you´ll have to wait in line. That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air all together.
Cartman: Dude. Can I go before you?
Bart Simpson (special guest star): Eat my shorts.

On the Highway to L.A.

Kyle: What the hell is going on? Hello?
Excuse me. I need to get to Los Angelos. Hey, Hello.
SNN: … started in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight´s episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats:
Al-Zawahri: Family Guy better not show Muhammed tonight. I´m serious. Family Guy isn´t funny.
SNN: Osama bin-Laden has this to say:
Osama bin-Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot. And I think that is totally gay.
SNN: And bin-Laden went on to say, that if Family Guy shows the image of Muhammed as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immidiate.
Gunman: Are you one of “them”?
Kyle: Who?
Gunman: How come your head ain´t in the sand?

Fox network L.A.

Cartman: So, you don´t like Family Guy either, huh?
Bart: I hate Family Guy.
Cartman: So what is your plan? You are going to ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?
Bart: Not nicely.
Cartman: Look kid, if you hate a TV-show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.
Bart: Cool man.
Cartman: Yeah, so my plan is to use this whole Muhammed-thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonights show. I´m going to use fear to get them to do what I want.
Bart: Isn´t that like... terrorism?
Cartman: No, it isn´t like terrorism. It is terrorism!
Bart: I could do that.
Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest level. You should let me handle this.
Bart: I´m a pretty bad kid.
Cartman: Really? What is the worst thing you ever done?
Bart: I stole the head of a statue once.
Cartman: Wow. That is pretty hard core.
Geez. Sounds like this: One time when I didn´t like a kid, so I ground his parents up in the chilly and said it to him.
Bart: You´ve got it man. You got it. See you! (leaving)

Capitol Hill

George W. Bush: I want to assure the American people, that as President I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Muhammed will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at 7.
Reporter: Mr. President. Can´t the writers of the show be resoned with. Don´t they know they are putting the country in danger?
George W. Bush: I have come to understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. I´m surprised to say, they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.
Reporter: What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: I´m afraid that information is classified.
Reporter: Mr. President. Can´t you force the Family Guy writing staff, not to write anything about Muhammed?
Another reporter: Could you throw them in prison?
George W. Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is that the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called “the first amendment”.
Reporter: And what exactly is this “first amendment”. Mr. President?
George W. Bush: You know... Right to free speech.
Gentlemen of the press: (All in doubt – run in circles, scream and shout)
Reporter: Mr. President. When your administration came up with this “first amendment”, did you not foresee a problem like this might happen?
George W. Bush: Well, we did not come up with the first amendment. It was already in place.
Reporter: What do you intend to do about this “first amendment” Mr. President.
Reporter: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this “first amendment” sounds like a lot of bureaucratic dipperidoo.

Fox Board meeting:

Fox president: OK, let us discuss the four-liner.
Secretary: Sir, there is still one little boy out here, who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode.
Fox President: Allright, let us get this over with.
Cartman: Hello genlemen, ladies. My name is Little Danny Pocket. I won´t take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crouch. It is the only way I can get around these days. Aw.
Board members: Poor kid.
Cartman: You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Muhammed and two days later terrorists suicide-bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. First one terrorist suicide bomber, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide-bombers running into the building and blowing up one after another. They were like Mexican jumping beans.
I just won´t like to see people here in your studio getting hurt, you know.
That would be, of course, your responsibility. (cough, aww)
Fox President: I feel terrible. It´s so easy to put terrorism out of mind, until one of its victims is staring you into your face.
Board member: Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again.
Fox President: Little boy, will you talk with the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they´ll back down from demanding we air the episode.
Cartman: I´ll certainly do my best (cough, cough).
Fox President: Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammed episode, after all.
Cartman: [Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead.]
Fox President: What was that?
Cartman: I said thank you. Thank you for listening.

Meanwhile, outside

Kyle: Thanks a lot for the ride.
Former gunman: Hey. It´s the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don´t want to see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show.
Kyle: I´ll do everything I can.
Former gunman: I mean: I know it´s just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it does not get preatchy and up and so and ass with messages, you know.
Bart: [writing: I HATE FAMILY GUY]
Kyle: Excuse me. Do you know which way the network Presidents office is?
Bart: Who wants to know?
Kyle: Look, I´m looking for a friend who is trying to trick the network to get the Family Guy off the air.
Bart: The network Presidents offices is in there.
Kyle: Thank dude.
Bart: No problem, man.
Kyle: Hello? This can´t be right.
Bart: Kawabunga motherfucker.

Family Guy studios

Secretary: Hello Mitchel
Mitchel: Oh, Hi Miss Travis.
Secretary: The President has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.
Mitchel: Are you sure? They are writing on a new episode right now.
Cartman: It won´t take long, Sir. (Cough, cough).
Mitchel: Allright, I´ll take him back. Follow me little Danny.
You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff.
Cartman: Yeah, I am totally excited. Family Guy is so funny.
Mitchel: Well, here we are. Danny - The Family Guy writing staff!
Cartman: Where are they?
Mitchel: They are manatee´s origin and flown in from the Gulf of Mexico. Take a peek here at Lucy from the Carribian Sea.
Cartman: Family Guy is written by manatee´s? Of course. It all makes sence now.
Mitchel: They really are brilliant creatures. You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. Each idea ball has a werb, noun or culture written on it. There is millions of them. The manatee´s chose a ball and swim it over to the joke combiner at the other side of the tank.
Look, she has come up with an idea! She came up with “Gary Coleman”. The idea balls drop into the joke combiner and form a part of the new script.
“Laundry”, “Date”, “Winning”, “Mexico”, “Gary Coleman”.
Oh, a perfect Family Guy joke. I can see it now:
[“Peter you didn´t do the laundry today.
You think that´s bad?
Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?
Que pasa, señores? ]

Cartman: Wait a minute. Did the manatee´s demand that Muhammed be shown? How? Manatee´s don´t talk.
Mitchel: When Fox censored the image of Muhammed in the last episode, it also meant that the Muhammed ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatee´s very upset.
Pull just one ball out of the idea tank, and the manatee´s stop working.
Here, I´ll show you. Keith!
Mitchel: Put it back in. Manatee´s are very ethical writers. Either everything is OK to write about, or nothing is. Anyway the President of the network wanted you to speak with the manatee´s?
Cartman: Oh, yes, yes. Hello manatee´s, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Muhammed. See, I´m the victim of a terrorist attack, and terrorist might come after you if you...
Mitchel: That isn´t gonna work on them.
Cartman: Why not?
Mitchel: Don´t you know anything about manatee´s? They are the only mammals that are completely immovable by terrorist threats.
Cartman: [Son of a bitch]

Studio shed

Kyle: Let me out of here. You can´t do this.
Cartman: Well, well, well!
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: Hello Kyle. Looks like you have run into a little snag in your plan as well.
Kyle: You fat son of a bitch.
Cartman: You came so close to stopping me, Kyle. Didn´t you Kyle? There is just one thing you didn´t count on. That more people besides me hate Family Guy.
Bart: Yeah!
Kyle: Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too. Who are you to decide it should not be on the air?
Bart: Shut up. You shut your … with a base bat.
Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?
Cartman: Not yet. But I have come up with a new plan. I have learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working. As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break I can sneak back in.
Bart: Cool man.
Cartman: Good Kyle. That is good, ain´t it. The show you see in there. Have you seen that? That is an emotional character. Based on what is happening in the storyline. (Not at all like Family Guy).
Now, if you´ll excuse me, pal.
I´ve got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.

At the Manatee Tank

Fox President: I don´t understand it. What is wrong with them?
Mitchel: We don´t know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.
Fox President: But nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?
Mitchel: No Sir. None of us did.
Fox President: Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Muhammed uncensored. I did what you asked. What do you want from me?
Cartman: Sir, if you don´t mind my saying this: I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatee´s last week. Now they know what to do, if they refuse to work, and they can do whatever they want. You spoiled them by giving in. Now they think they can walk all over you.
So, you are in charge of this network. Not them. Maybe it is time you show them who is in charge.
Fox President: You are right. It is time I stop letting these pre-Madonna manatee´s tell me what to do: I am pulling the Muhammed episode. Have you got that! And if you don´t want to work tomorrow you can just find another job.
How long before Family Guy is supposed to air? 25 minutes. I´ve gotta hurry.
Cartman: I did it. I AM GOD!
Family Guy is going off the air. No more Family Guy for me, my friend.
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: You f...ing jackass. How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope and becoming a monster like you.
Cartman: God damn it. You gave him a speech and he saved you.
Kyle: You are not killing Family Guy.
Cartman: It is too late Kyle. The President of the network is pulling the episode. Family Guy is a good as dead.
Kyle: You still have time to tell the network President you are full of crap.
Cartman: I can´t let you do that.
Kyle: Get out of my way or I´ll kick your ass.
Cartman: Fine Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.
Cartman: Let this be our final battle.
Kyle/Cartman fighting: Stop it. It is too hard. OK. Come on. Wait, no. No hitting in the bowl.
Cartman: OK. You win. I give up. (Kick Kile anyway).
Cartman: I got my fingers crossed.
Bart: (Hit Cartman with his skateboard).
Kyle: Thanks kid.

The call off

Fox President: Network control, this is the President. I want you to pull the episode.
Network Control: Mr. President, are you sure?
Fox President: I am sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 02-900
Pull System Initiated. Awaiting confirmation
Network control: Mr. President, we need your final aproval code.
Fox President: Presidential Aproval Code: 0-0-
Kyle: Stop, Mr. Television Executive!
Fox President: Who are you?
Kyle: Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a factor child. He only wanted you to pull it, because he know it will be the end of Family Guy forever.
Fox President: End of Family Guy?
Network Control: Mr. President. We need final authorisation.
Fox Control: Hold on, Judy.
Fox President: What are you talking about kid?
Kyle: Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain of reaction. You´ll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It is what happened to the Wernon Shirley.
Fox President: You mean the manatee´s aren´t trying to run the network?
Kyle: What manatee?
Cartman: Go ahead Mr. President. Continue what you are doing!
Kyle: No, you have to show Muhammed Mr. President.
Network Control: Mr. President. We are awaiting your orders.
Kyle: Sir, just think about what you are doing to free speech.
Cartman: No, think about the people who can get hurt.
Fox President: I don´t know who to listen to.
Cartman: OK. I´ll make it easy for you. (Pointing a gun). Pull the Muhammed episode, NOW!
Fox President: OK, I´ll listen to YOU. Judy –
Kyle: No, you can´t listen to him. He is a lier. He is a monster who only wants Family Guy off the air.
Fox President: But he has a gun.
Kyle: You can´t do what he wants, just because he is the one threatening you with violence.
Cartman: shut up Kyle.
Fox President: I can´t be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me!
Kyle: Yes, people can get hurt. That is how terrorism works. But if you give in to that, Doug, you are allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing!
Cartman: Give the order to pull the episode, Mr President.
Fox President: I should not even be in office still. It is supposed to be half-day Fridays.
Network Control: Mr. President. 30 seconds to air-time. What do you want us to do?
Kyle: Do the right thing, Mr President.
Fox President: I allow the episode to be sent, just censor out the image of Muhammed.
Kyle: I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Muhammed, soon you´ll have to censor out more.
Cartman: No gate-speaking, pal.
Kyle: If you don´t show Muhammed, then YOU made a destinction between what is OK to be pulled.
Either it is all OK, or none of it is.
Network Control: 5 seconds. Mr. President.
Kyle: Do the right thing. Show Muhammed. Do the right thing.
Network Control: Mr. President. We need the decision NOW!
Fox President: Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.
Kyle: Yes
Cartman: No, I hate Family Guy.

On the Air

Family Guy show:[Peter, you have got a pink slip at work.
You think that is bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Muhammed while wearing a toga?
(door bell)
Comming Muhammed.
Sign saying:
“In this shot, Mohammed
hands a football helmet to Family Guy”
New sign saying:

Well, my salmon helmet? Thanks.
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Oh, yeah. My pink slip...]

Operator: Hey that wasn´t bad at all. They just showed Muhammed standing there, looking normal.
Mr. President, the terrorists! They are retaliating!
Fox President: What?
SNN: As soon as the image of Muhammed appeared, terrorist leader Al-Zawahri announced the retaliation.
Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Muhammed. But Family Guy did it anyways. So now here is our retaliation on America!!!

The Retaliation

Osama bin-Laden & al- Zawahri
Present an
al-Qaeda Films production

Bob: Hello, I am American
Greg: I am American too.
Bob and Greg: We like to crap on each other.
George W. Bush: I am the President, Bush. I will crap on both of you.
Bob and Greg: We love to crap.
Linda: I am American. I am pregnant with a baby but I´m not married.
Jesus: Look at me. I am Jesus. You´d like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush?
All: Yummy, Yummy, crap.

The End

Al-Zawahri: Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you!

(Transcript by tourn@sol.dk)

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